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If you’re reading this, odds are you’ve just closed a tab of something you’re not proud to have jerked off to. It’s cool, I get it. We’ve all been there. Not everything you jerk off to is gonna be wholesome and warm. But if you’ve come here in search of solidarity, then you’re in luck! Misery loves company, so we asked a bunch of guys about their most shameful masturbation stories, and here are five of the most truly shameful.

5. Looking in the mirror

“When I started going to the gym for the first time, I lost a good amount of weight, put on some muscle and really started feeling myself. I caught myself looking in the mirror one time, and for some reason I couldn’t resist and just started masturbating as I stared at my own newly-ripped body. I watched myself cum all over myself and it was hot as shit. What can I say, I’m pretty? Looking back, that probably wasn’t healthy for my narcissism.”

- Dave, 32

4. Mike Pence

“I once masturbated while I fantasized about having sex with current U.S. Vice President Mike Pence. As a Democrat and a gay man, I’m definitely not proud of it, seeing as he’s a Republican and a homophobe. But the heart wants what it wants. And my heart wants Puritanical tight-ass silver foxes. Go figure.”

- Gary, 24

3. The volleyball scene from Top Gun

“Remember that scene in Top Gun where Tom Cruise and the other hot Airforce guys take off their shirts and play volleyball? I had that on VHS as a kid, and that scene was the first thing I ever jerked off to. And for months after, the only thing I jerked off to…”

-- Doug, 40

2. Ralph from Wreck It Ralph

“I jerked off to that guy Ralph from Wreck it Ralph. I am extremely ashamed of myself. I’m also banned from that movie theater now.”

- Zane, 29

1. Peanut butter on the dick

“By far my most shameful masturbation experience was doing that stupid thing so many dumb teens do, where you slather peanut butter on your dick and try to get your dog to lick it off, but my dog took one lick and decided he didn’t want it. So instead I pathetically scrubbed the peanut butter off myself and accidentally came while doing it. Never again.”

- Bobby, 39

So there you have it. Feeling better about your own shameful fap now?

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*** Andrew Christian Inc. does not claim rights to any images posted in this blog post. If you find your picture here and would like to have it credited or removed please email [email protected]

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