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Article by Kendra Beltran

A kick to the dick is said to be one of the worst pains in the world. So imagine having to take a trip to the ER because you literally broke your junk. Not only would you have to be subjected to waiting in those horrendous rooms for god knows how long with a bunch of sick bitches, but you’d also be sitting there with a limp peen all because well, there are a number of reasons why you could break your dick. Well, not literally break. There aren’t any bones in them there boners you’re popping but you can fracture your favorite part of your body and it is far from pretty. Just read the horror stories these guys went through when they fucked up in a major way and scored a penis injury they’d never forget.

Crime Scene

Passion in a relationship is hard to find and according to Megan Barker, after two years she and her boyfriend, Adam Francis, were still humping like bunnies. Maybe they should’ve thought to scale things back a bit and give Thumper a break because in 2017 they reported that one night their passionate lovemaking took a horrific turn when Adam tried to take her from behind and Megan first heard a rip and then her boyfriend let out a sound of agony unlike anything she’d ever heard. When the paramedics arrived, Adam was on the floor covered in blood as he’d passed out from the pain and hit his head on the way down. Thankfully Megan wasn’t suspected of foul play. Instead, she just had a boyfriend who’d just ripped his penis in a way that’d make every man on earth squirm where they stand.

No Laughing Manner

That young man wasn’t the only one seeing red, and a ton of it. Comedian Ross Asdourian also fell prey to a blood-riddle penis one night after getting it on with a lady friend. We’re starting to think that perhaps sex with women is the root of this evil? Hetero-conspiracies aside, Asdourian fractured his penis and then went on to pen a book about it. Broken Bananah recounts that nightmare of a night and how he came back from a "corpus cavernosa rupture." What's that you say? Well, remember when we said there are no bones in them there boners? That's because when you break your dick, that's actually the corpus cavernosa rupturing. The corpus cavernosa is the sponge-like tissue that expands with blood when you're horny AF. So horny dude + plumped penis + too much pressure = a corpus cavernosa rupture. And there you have it, some science for the day.

Eggplant Emoji

Usually, when someone sends you that naughty emoji of the purple fruit, you reply, “But where’s that dick pic though?” Because who wants a tired ass emoji when you can see the real deal? Anyways, in this case, eggplant is the furthest thing from sexy. After a 30-something man came to the ER after having a “vigorous” fuck sesh, they straight up said his penis had an “eggplant deformity.” We’re going to keep it 100 with you right now and say that if you just ate, you are not going to want to click here to see why it was given such a nickname. Now those are the kinds of dick pics that NOBODY wants. Okay, like I’d want to see but that’s because I’m just medically curious...

Viagra Woes

Sex has been the culprit 99.9% of the time but this case is way on the other end of the spectrum. An unnamed 36-year-old dad found himself in the ER after his own child basically yelled, “TIMBER!” when it came to his morning wood.  So here’s the backstory. Dad needed a little help getting his motor running the night before and popped one of those little blue pills. No shame in that. Everyone needs help at some point in their life. The only problem was that his boner kept on trucking long after he’d done the deed and then some. The then some being a lengthy jerk off session. Come morning he was still as hard as Dwayne Johnson’s upper thighs, and BAM - his kid innocently hopped on pop to wake him in the morning. While no permanent damage was done, that whole eggplant ordeal was his reality for awhile too.

Triple Threat

First off, high freaking five to the 62-year-old Taiwanese man who is wrapping this journey through penis nightmares up. He broke his old ass dick in not one, not two, but three places when he was knocking geriatric boots in a motel. Was it an affair? A lady of the night? Just an older couple getting frisky? We don’t know the deets, but we do know that Mr. Steal Your Grandma Just So Long As My Dick Ain’t Broken did indeed break his penis in three places after getting it in. Much like his other fallen penis brethren, Grandpa’s retired member resembles a sad eggplant sack that’d seen better days. While they did do surgery to ensure he’d be able to visit that motel once again, that doesn’t mean anyone will ever forget the day they had to treat the 62-year-old man with the broken penis.

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