By Cameron Yorke

Last month we examined ‘Seven Things a Bottom Should Never Say to a Top’, so we thought it only fair to give our Alpha-Males of the gay community the right of reply! The results are in and even though some of those favoured were similar to their bottom counterparts, some were surprisingly unique.

1. ‘Am I in yet?’


In much the same way as the Top is the dominant, testosterone-filled Lion of the Pride, confident in his prowess and équipage, the Bottom also takes pride in his ability to satisfy, so a Top should never refer to a Bottom as being ‘too loose!´ Neither should reference be made to ‘the black hole of calcutta’ and you most certainly shouldn’t say ‘wait ! I’ve lost my watch in there.’ other phrases out of bounds should also include ‘So, do you think you might need a stitch or two down there?’ Or ‘Do you mind if I use a dildo as well ?’

2. ‘Hold still Biatch’


The power Bottom takes pride in their ability to satisfy the most demanding Top, so it’s normal for them to become over enthusiastic at times, however no one likes a Bottom who just lies there and doesn’t move - otherwise known as a ‘dud fuck,’ so by all means take control of the action, but never dent their ego by complaining of their over- exuberance!

3. ‘Hand me my phone, I want to check who else is around!’


This one is of course made worse if you then proceed to rest the phone on the back of his neck whilst simultaneously riding him from behind, a hand full of hair in one hand as you swipe left with the other - Just plain rude, I say! Neither should you place the phone in the same position playing pornhub throughout the entire act.

4. ‘Your roommate was tighter/hotter/hornier’


Really? Whether this is true or not, the fact is, they’re not here at this precise moment, so either make the most of what you’ve got, or do up your trousers and go!

5. ‘Have you douched?’

Today’s modern bottom is the epitome of the desperate housewife, who prides herself in her grooming and hygiene, so nothing will destroy the mood more than a suggestion that she is unclean, in much the same way as the suggestion that Brie Van de Kamp’s peach cobbler has a soggy bottom! It’s also probably not such a good idea to exclaim ‘You better be clean because after I’ve finished this end, it’s going straight in your mouth.’ If in doubt, a quick inspection and a polite suggestion that she may like to use the bathroom to ‘freshen up’ will generally do the trick, along with a strategically placed douche nozzle on the side of the shower. If all that fails, they’re just plain dirty, and not the calibre of company with which one would want to fornicate, so simply show them the door!