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Dear Agatha,

Why must the world be a beauty pageant? Life rewards its trophies and ribbons to the beautiful people, and I’m stuck masturbating with my tears of loneliness as lube. I’m forever alone because my facial features aren’t quite right, my gut hangs out, and my feet are too big. I scroll through Instagram and feel sick to my stomach looking at just how much more beautiful these guys are than me. Why would anyone ever want me when everyone else is so much hotter?


Hopelessly ugly

Dear hopelessly ugly,

Listen hon, I can already tell that the main reason you can’t find a partner is NOT because of your looks; it’s because of your attitude. Sounds like you spend too much time on social media and have developed an extremely unhealthy sense of your own body image. There’s no doubt in my mind that you’re nowhere near as ugly as you think. Have you tried using a dating app or going out to a gay bar? Everyone is someone's type, and you very well be surprised how many guy's type is you. But even if you were just hideous, feeling sorry for yourself only makes you less appealing. Men find confidence sexy. Stop comparing yourself to the Photshopped adonises of Instagram and just chill, dude. Because guess what… pssst… I think you’re cute. ;)


Agatha Spilltea

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