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Life is full of varieties. Even the same bed you sleep in can feel different from one day to the next depending on various factors such as how tired you are, who else is in it, and how clean it is. Varieties make life interesting since you never know what you’ll see in your life next. The same thing applies to penises. When you approach someone in a social setting, it’s quite impossible to tell what package he has. However, here’s a repertoire of possible penises that you’ll encounter in your life.

Barbarian

via GIPHY

This is the ruthless penis that has no mercy. It does not care much about the booty and often just goes in so fast that it feels like your life will end. It physically does not have a mechanism to be gentle. It can leave you wanting more or traumatize you. He also aims to finish the deed as soon as possible as if it is a race. Often times the sex does not last too long because the penis is already way too excited.

Scholar

via GIPHY

As an antithesis to the barbarian, this is the penis that has been well-trained. It often makes a gradual entrance and is as polite as an English gentleman. If it could talk, it would recite verses of Shakespeare wherever it goes. It also makes you feel quite comfortable as it aims to please without hurting you. Sometimes it is so soothing that you might even want to take a nap.

Marathon runner

via GIPHY

This is the penis that can literally run 26.2 miles. It isn’t too rough, but it does offer pleasure for as long as you wish and maybe longer than you wish. Often times you won’t notice when the penis has unloaded its load because it just keeps going. Sometimes it will need a 2 minute break between loads but after a quick break, it comes right back at it again. It might be exhausting to please this penis, but a man has needs waiting to be met.

“I’m a little teapot short and stout.”

via GIPHY

This penis may not be the longest of the bunch but it sure is girthy. It takes a solid few minutes to comfortably get into any dark hole so it has learned patience. However, once it goes in, the party is on. It stretches any area that it enters and stimulates you well. It also isn’t so long that it pierces your intestines.

“Too gay to be straight.”

via GIPHY

This is the penis that has curves. It can curve left, right, or up. This penis can offer many pleasures as you switch positions. Because of the curve, the tip will stimulate different areas depending on the position. Thus, it’s most beneficial to try out all the cool positions with this one to see what feels the best.

DD (Drunk Dick)

via GIPHY

This one often brings about much disappointment. When someone is plastered, their penis acts a little funky too. No matter how hard the bottom tries to erect the little guy, he just stays limp. Even when the penis does become erect, it often goes limp again before any fireworks go off. This type of penis is common if you pick up guys at a bar after a long night of dancing and drinking.

Jumbo

via GIPHY

This penis is so large that it is often quite uncomfortable for both parties. Even though nobody wants teeth marks, it almost seems inevitable with this bad boy. It’s also often quite painful to take this penis up the butt and can feel like your soul was just impaled once the penis is fully up the butt.

“Husband Penis”

via GIPHY

The Goldilocks zone for penises. This is the perfect size and behaves just the way you like it. Once you spot this, you want to keep it forever. Treat it with respect, and follow Beyoncé’s sagacious advice: “If you want it then you gotta put a ring on it.”

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