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They say you should never shop on an empty stomach. Similarly, you should never make an important life decision before jerking off. The moment the jizz leaves the tip of your penis, your rational mental faculties come back online as the id-fuelled monkey brain takes its hard-earned nap. Cumming has a way of clearing the mental fog. I don’t think this study has ever been done, but if you asked men to place bets both before and after jerking-off, every single guy makes a smarter bet after squeezing one out.

I’m sure we’ve all noticed the cognitive effects that jerking off has on us. Cumming or not cumming determines all kinds of things in the brain, from the sex drive to testosterone and serotonin levels. For some guys, abstaining from sex for even a few days is enough to render them mindless fuck-zombies wandering the streets of West Hollywood, desperate for a lay so they can return to their waking selves.

In my youth, when I hungrily consumed all that life had to offer, I once spontaneously resolved that I would learn to play the saxophone. Despite having no musical experience whatsoever, I eagerly rushed to a store to buy the brass instrument. I brought it home, giddy with its sheen, hearing my solos in my head. I set the case down in my bedroom and decided to jerk off. And the very moment I came, I realized that, if I had just jerked off a few hours ago instead, I wouldn’t be stuck with this shitty saxophone that I’ll never play.

This a small example, but you can imagine how many historical crises could have been averted if the perpetrators had simply jerked off real quick. Say Truman rubs one out in the Oval Office bathroom moments before his generals ask for the nuclear green light. Millions of lives spared? Hard to say, but definitely maybe.

Granted, certain pursuits lend themselves to the abstinent, frenzied state of mind. Artists, athletes, and guys trying to have sex with each other at bars are behooved by the intoxicant of horniness. But if you’re thinking about buying a boat or something, just fucking jerk off first and save yourself the trouble.

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