Dear straight men,

I'm writing to inform you with regard to a very urgent matter. Your sex has become boring an vanilla. All of your orgasms involve ramrodding your cock into a hole. But did you know that there is another entirely different method of orgasmsing that you've neglected? You're wasting your life chasing the whims of your cock and neglecting your ass. This is an intervention, straight men. It's time to start doing buttplay.

First though, understand that engaging in buttplay doesn't make you gay. There's nothing inherently homosexual about getting fucked up your ass (unless it's another cock doing the fucking--in that case it's pretty gay). Otherwise, the prostate is a part of all male bodies and contains untapped sexual ecstasy, no matter your orientation.

In fact, the MORE resistant you are to having someone stick a finger up your butt, the more likely it is that there's some serious pent-up homoerotic feelings in you. Your ego is telling you that nothing must ever enter your ass because your fragile masculinity may not be able to take it. Well heed my advice and shatter it. Destroy your anal sphincter and your culturally constructed sense of manhood all in one fell swoop.
Listen, don't get upset. I'm not trying to seduce you. This is for your own good. And if it's that important to you, find a way to incorporate your precious power dynamics into the sex. Like maybe you FORCE your partner to worship your asshole by giving your a rimjob. See? That's not off limits because you still get to feel like the number #1 daddy at the party.
So, my dear straight friends, if you can suspend everything you think you know about asses and sexuality, I guarantee that you're in for a good time. And if it DOES turn you gay, hey, I'll be here waiting .