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Article written by Maya Vukovska

The recorded history of homosexuality is relatively short. Before the intolerant societal morality came into the general picture, people had a rather fluid idea about gender roles. And no matter what they want us to believe, heterosexuality has not always been considered “the norm”, because same-sex relationships have existed as long as there have been humans walking upright. It’s a given fact that some of the most advanced ancient societies practiced various sexual traditions, which, from the modern point of view, may seem weird. These societies may have their flaws, but they embraced homosexuality, and viewed male-male relationships as totally acceptable under a number of circumstances.
Here are some peculiar facts about the good old gay times.

Attracted to only one sex? How eccentric!

Neither Greeks, nor Romans had a concept of homo- and heterosexuality. Men were expected to be attracted to both males and females. If a man showed preference for only one sex, he was looked upon as some eccentric Elton John of the past. Only without the funny hats.

Tops or bottoms?

Ancient Greeks didn’t flip a coin to decide who’s going to do what in a homosexual relationship. Assuming the “right” position was mostly about social standing and age difference. As Oscar Wilde once put it wisely, “Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power.” Although homosexuality was as normal as taking a walk in the park nowadays, penetration was not approved of. But when it occurred it was always the older and more masculine man, the one with the higher social status who was the tops. The guy at the bottom was considered an abomination because penetration reduced him to the level of a woman. (And these weren’t exactly great times to be a girl!) The greatest taboo of all was for an older man to let himself be drilled by a younger dude. No wonder these miserable men were called “pathetic” (from the Greek word “pathos” - suffering). Yikes!

The Roman King of Gay Porn

Emperor Tiberius was perhaps the most sexually twisted SOB in Roman history. The guy built himself something we would today call a “porn center” on the island of Capri, where young boys performed elaborate sexual acts with Tiberius either watching, or participating himself. The emperor especially enjoyed engaging in recreational aquatic activities. His favorite was to go in the bathing pool, where boys, whom he called “his little fishes”, would suck his royal balls and dick. Underwater - for extra pleasure, we believe.

Ancient Egypt Was Queer AF

The ancient Egyptians were anything but judgmental about queer relationships. Literally everything could be found on their usual sex menu: incest, belief in afterlife intercourse, homosexuality, sacred concubines, bestiality. Probably the most notorious gay couple of that era were Niankhkhnum and Khnumhotep. In 1964, the remains of the two men were discovered in a common tomb, holding hands, noses touching. They were both palace officials, with high social status, with wives and kids. And they were also brothers! As we said, Ancient Egypt was wild AF.

Was It Gay To Be Gay in Ancient India?

In modern India, homosexuality is predominantly a taboo. And nothing has much changed since old days. Ancient Indian texts and paintings on temple walls are a clear manifestation of the disapproval of homosexuality and premarital sex. It doesn’t mean, of course, that sex between men didn’t happen at all. And we can rely for evidence for that on Kamasutra, the ultimate Sex Bible of all times. Throughout the book, there are references to servants and friends who perform oral on members of the same sex. Although Kamasutra is considered a trustworthy instruction manual, we do not recommend you to blindly follow the prescriptions in the text. Like, for example, this method for increasing the size of the penis: “Rub your penis with the bristles of insects born in trees, then massage it with oil for ten nights (…) The swelling which occurs as a result of this treatment lasts for a lifetime.”

The Spartans Made the Best Gay Lovers

The ferocious warrior society of the Spartans lived in southern Greece some 3,500 years ago. We bet many gays today would LOVE to have lived back then. Well, they didn’t have tablets, smart phones, and Netflix, but the best part of this era was that homosexuality was not considered a sin. The military ethos even encouraged the warriors to have sex with your fellow fighters. And they were all, of course, blessed with impressive physique and hung like horses! Actually, the homosexual acts between the Spartans were believed to be an essential part of the bonding process. In other words, a soldier was more likely to trust his fellow fighters if he pounds their asses on a regular basis. Makes sense to me

The general conclusion we can draw from this short travel back in ancient times is that, unlike today, people would not condemn the different, and gay sex was not frowned upon in many places. In fact, in some societies homosexuality was an integral part of culture. And what’s the better way to finish this humble history lesson than citing Plato who once wrote that same-sex lovers were more blessed than ordinary mortals. Can I get an amen on that?

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