Hookup Checklist: What to Do Before He Comes Over

Your phone dings. “You up?” reads the text message on your home screen. Uh-oh, looks like another booty call--and such late notice too. It seems like often times these messages appear at the most inopportune times. You can be eating Fruit Loops in bed and feeling like a disgusting slob, but as soon as that text pops up, it’s go-time. No matter what gross activity you’re engaged in at the time, sex takes priority. Now that you’ve replied with a “yeah”, only precious moments remain for that inevitably next “I’m outside” text arrives. Time is of the essence, at this moment you are in NO condition to entertain suitors. But it’s okay--relax, take a deep breath. Here is your go-to minimum checklist of things to do moments before any booty-call.

Clean your house

Now is not the time for a deep-clean, but a little bit of sweeping and pillow-fluffing will go a long way. You want to create a welcoming environment for your hookup. So like, at least brush the cereal crumbs off your sheets and toss the week-old underwear into the laundry basket.

Eat a snack

Chances are, you won’t have an opportunity to eat in the next few hours. And if your hookup is going to spend the night, this may be your last chance to ingest calories in the privacy of your shameless solitude. Nobody wants be light-headed and starving while fucking. So if you haven’t eaten dinner, make yourself some damn toast.

Panic grooming

Now, you probably won’t have time for a full day at the salon, so just hit the most important spots. Shower if you’ve got time. Pubic hair can be trimmed, clean up the beard. Wash behind your ears. Change clothes. Don’t overdo it. This is a casual, unromantic hookup. The key is to make it look like you did nothing to prepare, while simultaneously doing as much grooming as you have time for. And obviously, make sure you’ve got on a pair of sexy underwear. ;)

Collect your gear

Do you have all your ducks in a row in terms of toys and gear? Depending on the nature of your sex, make sure you have enough condoms, douches, blindfolds, whips, cock rings, etc. Nothing kills the mood like having to run to 7/11 just as things are getting hot and heavy.

Establish mood

And lastly, if your date still hasn’t arrived after you’ve done all these things, spend the remaining moments establishing a little mood. Dim the lights, light a candle, open a bottle of wine, change your Netflix to the fireplace show. Sure, this is just a booty-call, not Valentine’s Day---but would a little ambiance really kill you? Hookups can be awkward, but if you follow this checklist, you’ll be sure to have a booty-call experience that leaves both parties feeling... at least okay... about themselves.