Article by Maya Vukovska

Remember that episode from Season 6 of SATC when Carrie gets dumped via post-it note by Burger? Instantly, the guy became probably the most despised man in America. And also abroad. Because few criminal offenses are more despicable than breaking up with somebody in such a disgraceful manner! Yes, just like slimming underwear, tax authorities, and Mini Coopers, relationships can be tough to get out of. Besides, society sympathizes with the one who has been dumped, while the one who’s done the dumping… well, he may always be the “Burger” in the eyes of the others. If you feel that the moment has come for you to say “Sorry, James, we’re done here”, but you don’t want to cause an emotional apocalypse, we suggest that you pursue the following strategy.

Carefully pick the time and place

You know how some guys take out a girl to a fancy restaurant to break up with her because they know she won’t make a scene over a Micheline-star dessert and in front of many people? This is actually a good tactic, but I personally don’t recommend it because it will only add to the intensity of the situation. Instead, pick a private location where you can have a calm, civilized talk. Timing is also important. Do not drop the bomb five minutes before he has to leave for work, and definitely not after you’ve had sex.

Use clear language

Since it is not a Latin-American telenovela from the ’90s, you’d better avoid such melodramatic cliches like “It’s for the best” and “I really don’t want to do this”. The truth is that you DO want this! If it was his idea, it would have been him saying these words, not you. But it's you who is vocalizing willingness to be out of this relationship, that’s why you have to carefully pick your words. Use language that is mellow, but at the same time firm. Don’t try to sugarcoat things - the less ambiguity, the easier it will be for your boyfriend to accept your choice and move on.

Do not be overly honest

Being truthful is one thing, but being brutally honest is another. You should draw a demarcation line between those two and try not to cross it. The whys do not need to be explicitly disclosed. Even if he begs you to tell him why you are breaking up with him, don’t say “Because you lack ambition and I cannot stand your depressive moments anymore”, or “You’re not fun anymore”. Those words are too painful for anyone to hear, and could stick with them for years. It’s enough if you just say, “I’m not in love with you anymore. I wish it worked because I do care about you, but the truth is I can’t stay in this relationship anymore.”

Don’t leave any openings

That’s probably the biggest trap that there is when breaking up with someone. If you are 110% sure you want to end the relationship, do not leave any gaps for your boyfriend to talk you out of your decision. That will only make it a hundred times worse the next time(s) you try to break up with him. Yes, I know that J Lo and Ben Affleck got back together twenty years after the breakup, and so far it works just fine, but couples like this are exceptions. And most likely your relationship is not such an exception. Breaking up with someone is not a crime, and you shouldn’t feel like Raskolnikov from "Crime and Punishment" who struggles with unbearable guilt while trying to confront the consequences of the horrible deeds he has committed. Yet, breaking up with someone IS cruel. But sometimes kindness and cruelty overlap. Unfortunately, that’s the shitty part of ending any relationship that has come to a standstill. No matter how gently you execute your plan, there will always be one bleeding, broken heart. Own the fact that you did this. Apologize. Say it’s on you. Forgive yourself for doing this. Move on. Well, it will be cool if you get your video games and your favorite shirt back, but it’s also fair if you don’t. Kinda.
May 15, 2023 — Andrew Christian