Article by Maya Vukovska
The great German philosopher and notorious misanthrope Friedrich Nietzsche once said that it’s not the lack of love, but the lack of friendship that makes unhappy relationships. Who am I to argue with a genius, and а dead one! But I’ll just add one, monosyllabic word to the quote. Sex. The thing is that love may be there, and friendship may be there, too, but still many couples are not as happy as can be. The reason is that they struggle with sex. What if you are still madly (or moderately) in love with each other, but totally incompatible in bed - you are horny almost all the time, and he seeks sex only on very rare occasions, like National Pokemon Day, your birthday, and when he occasionally catches The Devil Wears Prada on TV. What to do when the libidos of the two partners don’t match? Well, one of them jerks at porn (or finds relief for his sexual needs elsewhere), and the other is playing solitaire on his laptop. The issue of sexlessness strikes a painful chord for many stable couples, and that’s why we offer a few good tips that can help you figure out how to keep your relationship strong.
Have the talk
No matter how sensitive the topic, it’s absolutely necessary that you two have “the talk”. The tricky part here is to avoid being either defensive or offensive. Blaming each other for not having a passionate and satisfactory sex life won’t make any of you right or wrong. Try instead to figure out what each of you expects from the other to happen (or NOT to happen!) in bed. You need to establish some ground rules, and never again bypass with silence any awkward moments you might have.
Talk dirty
It may sound cheap and immature, but research shows that couples who talk about sex, HAVE a lot of it. There is a reason why dirty talking is on the must-do list of things before and during sex for spicing it up. Sexting is a great way to practice dirty talk. But don’t get carried away and make it sound gross. Next time you initiate sex, don’t just do your thing and fall asleep right after you cum. When you are about to go down on him, tell him you’re going to suck his balls dry. If your imagination fails you, you might consider watching some “tutorials” on Pornhub.
Identify stress factors
Exploring the possibility that the low sex drive may be a result of something that’s stressing you, or him out is also a good starting point in resolving your sexual incompatibility. The stressors can be various: shitty work environment, physical or mental exhaustion, money troubles, body image issues… If you succeed in pinning the exact stressor, and eliminate it, it’ll be your ticket to a 50-shades-brighter future in the bedroom.
Negotiate your differences
One of the reasons for sexual incompatibility might be that one of the partners likes it “vanilla”, and the other is more into kinky stuff. Or you don’t like, say, being bottom, but your BF likes to buttfuck, too. So, how to solve the rebus, and make everyone happy with their way? You have two options here: you either drop the anal from the repertoire or adapt to each other’s preferences. Nobody says compromising is easy, but you can at least try to readjust your mindset so that you both let your ass become a place for pleasure.
Assess your own sexual problems
It’s very possible that the reason why you or your partner is reluctant to have sex might be a psychological problem or trauma deeply buried in the unconscious. Go see a therapist and open up for him/her. And here is a funny thought: Some people claim hypnosis made them quit smoking, or get rid of their fear of flying. Hypnosis can help people suffering also from intimacy issues, low libido, erectile dysfunction. What I am trying to say here is that the right specialist can actually bring your sex life back on tracks.
Explore the open relationship alternative
Let’s be honest here. If your relationship is struggling because one of you is constantly having “a headache”, and the other one is tired of jerking off alone in the bathroom, sooner or later you’re going to break it off. But if you truly and from the bottom of your heart want to save your love, then you must consider opening the doors of the relationship for other people to come in. Just think about it for a moment: If you want a perfect haircut, you don’t let your clumsy boyfriend take the scissors and mess up with your hair. Instead, you go to a proper coiffeur. And you don’t necessarily grow feelings for the guy! Same with sex. If your feelings for each other are strong enough, some extracurricular sex activity outside home won’t harm. On the contrary. Many couples have open relationships and are quite happy with that. So, why not this works out for you, too?
