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Dear Agatha,

I’m going insane. At my university there’s this absolutely gorgeous 10/10 lacrosse player who sits next to me in Chemistry class. Well, long story short, I’ve ended up tutoring him outside class (he’s not the smartest guy in the world). Anyway, we see each other quite often and I’ve become hopelessly in love with him and can barely focus on anything else. Of course, the only problem is that he’s straight… and has a girlfriend... and has no idea that I have feelings for him. I’m at a loss for what to do. Any advice for someone in my situation?


Hopeless Hank

Dear Hank,

You must learn to stop chasing the forbidden fruit. Men have been doing that ever since Adam in the Garden of Eden, and it’s always gotten them into trouble. A new year brings a new you, and with that comes new understanding. This lacrosse player is a straight man. Not only is he not going to be attracted to you, but it also would be a breach of your tutor-student contract to pursue a sexual relationship with him. Play through the consequences of this fantasy in your head. Taboo sex is great in the domain of fiction and film, but less so in real life. Regardless, the truly hopeless romantics out there won’t heed my words, and you probably won’t either. So all I can say is, keep dreaming, buddy.


Agatha Spilltea

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