Should you ask for feedback from a guy who just dumped you?
Article written by Maya Vukovska
We’ve heard about people asking their ex boyfriends and girlfriends for money and other kind of support. But have you ever heard of someone asking their ex for advice on what to improve in themselves in order to do better in their next relationship? We often walk out of a relationship angry and disappointed, and hurt, and even keeping a civil tongue with the ex seems like a mission impossible. One day we find someone else, fall in love, and start making plans for the future. But at some point, everything goes south. AGAIN. If this keeps happening in your life, maybe you should consider asking your ex, or exes, for a feedback report.
Why do it?
Let’s see… First of all, being clued up on what you did wrong last time (or the last five times!) will allow you to step into the new phase of your life fresh as a daisy. And with harmony, as your yoga instructor would say. The more brutally honest your ex is with you, the better. Self-awareness is hard to achieve, that’s why you need him - someone who knows you inside out (literally), but whom you are no longer intimate and emotionally connected with.
What if you two are not on good terms?
Before you approach your ex, you need to make some analysis of the current situation. If you broke up in (relatively) good circumstances, then you are clear to go. If, however, last time when you saw your ex, he was throwing cutlery at you, probably it won’t be such a great idea to call him for advice. But if you decide to bury the hatchet and approach him anyway, be prepared for some shit. Even with the cutlery lying safe in the cupboard this time, your ex will probably point at your flaws only. And it will sting your heart. But you’re a grown-ass man and you sure know that truth can hurt sometimes.
First, ask about the good stuff
If your ex agrees to answer your questions, you can either meet him in person, or email him the list. However, we’d recommend a rendez-vous, if it’s possible, because you’d be able to also observe his physical reaction to the questions. And body language can sometimes be more eloquent than words. Remember to start with questions about the positive things about you and the time you spent together. If you struggle to come up with the proper questions, here are some suggestions:
What attracted you to me in the first place?
What is your favorite memory of me?
Can you still remember what my favorite appetizer or dessert is?
What was the most intimate thing in our relationship? (An answer such as “Your balls in my mouth in the bathroom while flying to Miami” does not count!)
Ask about the bad stuff
Now it’s getting intense. Here are some possible scenarios.
What was unhealthy about our relationship?
Drunken fights over nothing, really. You getting jealous even when I was on the phone with my girlfriend Judy. Checking my phone while I was asleep, for fuck’s sake!
What did you find to be my worst qualities?
You can be incredibly selfish - you’d always put yourself and your needs first. You are a poor communicator - I never knew what exactly was on your mind. You are untidy and you constantly spill things and leave a mess behind yourself. Who, the hell, talks and gesticulates at the same time, while holding a glass of wine!
What, in your mind, was the reason why we broke up?
I needed to brake it off for the oldest and the most cliche reasons of all - in the end, I’d feel unhappy 24/7 just being around you. Besides, I got exhausted being the one who put more effort into the relationship. You could’ve tried harder, you know.
And so on.
And the most important question…
You need to ask this one, no matter if he answers it objectively, or not.
Do you think I’m ready for a new relationship?
Most probably, he’ll answer, “I don’t care.” Or, “No, you’re not.” But after the conversation, you’ll know in your heart whether you’re ready or not, whether you’re still stuck to the toxic parts of your past, or you’re already a “fresh daisy” - emotionally healthy and full of energy to move on.
Whatever the feedback of your ex(es) will be, there’s one thing you must know: You need to get your shit together! But don’t do it just to please a future boyfriend, who, fingers crossed, will turn out to be more of a keeper than the last one! The most important relationship a person will ever have is the one with themself, and this relationship is for life. And when life is over… well, sister, then, you won’t need any feedback anymore.