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Stop Taking Terrible Dick Pics

Posted on April 4, 2018 by Andrew Christian

Heart pounding. Palms sweating. You're fondling yourself to get erect, iPhone in the other hand. Yep, you’ve found yourself in this familiar position again. You’re about to take a photo of your penis and send it to a stranger. Well, what a lot of boys don’t realize is that there’s a right way and a wrong way to take a dick pic--and it could be the difference between getting laid or not. Because even a hot cock photographed poorly can leave a bad taste in your mouth. ;)

First thing you need to do: just slow down there, cowboy. Hands off. Before you get too excited, you need to be thinking about the big picture here. What’s your game plan? To take a good dick pic, you need to be thinking with more than just your dick.

You've probably seen a million dick pics in your day, so you may consider yourself an expert on the subject. In reality though, it's just the same onslaught of a few sub-par dick pic archetypes. You know the ones I'm talking about: there's the Death From Above shot--an ariel view looking down on the penis. There's the Counter Top Pedestal, which is fundamentally a derivative of the bathroom selfie but features the semi-hard cock flopped up on the sink. And of course, there's the low-angle Skyscraper tactic designed to make your Empire State Building appear towering and massive. But before you just pick one of these dick pic archetypes all willy-nilly, you need to think about the nitty-gritty. ;)

Start with the lighting. Nothing invokes less thirst than a grainy, poorly-lit, black and white, blurry, Big-Foot-looking snapshot. Supermodels looks amazing because because professional photographers light them to look amazing. Treat your cock like the supermodel it is, and it will look like it.

Next, think about what else is in the frame. Composition, baby. Personally, I like to see a little more than just purely your penis. A creative pose which shows off more of your body is nice! And don’t be afraid to show a tasteful portion of balls as well. We’re tired of boring point-of-view shots. Get creative, boys! Dazzle us! I’m talking about, set up a tripod. Self-timer. Laziness is not going to get you to Bone Town. There’s a lot of cocks on the market, so you need to be hiring Saatchi & Saatchi.

Outfit is also key. Are you naked? Maybe. Maybe it’s a thirst trap, a teasing underwear bulge photo. You don’t have to show all your cards at once. Leave us wanting a little more. Is that a tie I see hanging down upon your happy trail? Oh my goodness. I’m blushing!

Finally, make sure that you’re fully erect--unless you’re aiming for the semi-chub effect, which says “I’m already huge but there’s more to come”. Otherwise, do what you gotta do to get fully erect. Watch some porn. Hire a fluffer. And more than being hard, you need to actually be aroused. If you’re really into it, your dick will look even bigger. You’ll send those pheromones right through Snapchat. ;)

And if you’ve followed all of these steps, you’re guaranteed to get a shitty, poorly lit dick pic back in return!

*** Andrew Christian Inc. does not claim rights to any images posted in this blog post. If you find your picture here and would like to have it credited or removed please email acblog@AndrewChristian.com

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