Article written by Kendra Beltran

The year was 1990-something and a little movie by the name of ‘Cruel Intentions’ rocked me to my core, and when I say core - I mean the bits between my legs. There was not an adolescent alive during that time that didn’t masturbate to that movie. It didn’t matter what you identified as - there was something in there for everyone. However, despite it making whatever shade of blue Ryan Phillipe’s button-down was when he stood atop those escalators a horny trigger for me to this day, that movie also did what most films and TV shows do…show sex in the most insane ways to make us believe, yup, THAT’S how it is.

I truly believed losing my virginity would be one of the most romantic moments of my life with slow-mo thrusting underneath the sheets. It was far from that, and I’m sure I’m not alone in being totally tricked by sexual encounters on screens both big and small. Losing one’s virginity is the most insane lie we’ve been told for years, and that’s mostly a lie told to heteros because those in the LGBTQ+ community rarely get scenes like that until of course ‘Queer as Folk’ rocked the lives of many millennials.

Brian Kinney, an icon, right? But even he spun some lies himself. How many times did that man fuck in the shower leading us all to believe that once we did that - it’d be a wet and wild moment only to realize that unless you’re balling out MTV Cribs style with a luxurious bathroom and an overhead showerhead, it’s going to be an awkward encounter where one person is trembling because they’re just stuck wet on one side of the shower.

Showers aren’t the only places that promise steam in movies and on TV, oh no. Cars have also been highlighted as amazing places to get it on. Jack and Rose from ‘Titanic’ really played that one up. Which, you don’t realize, was fine and dandy for them as the cars were in the cargo of a ship and no one was around. In reality, cars are horrible spots to fuck because that’s not what they were designed for. Unless you’re an itty-bitty person with a decent-sized vehicle…sex in the car is uncomfortable and expensive if you’re caught by the police and given a citation.

It’s not just showers and cars though, we’ve also gotten our fair share of workplace romance in which two people are so enthralled with one another, they toss everything off of a desk and fuck right there. I must admit, this is not a scenario I’ve been in and while it's one I dreamt of in my youth, with age comes wisdom. Desks are hard surfaces with no give. Also, it’s a horrible idea to toss everything off a desk because hello, computers ain’t cheap. Unless you’ve got that Silicon Valley money, there is no way you’d want to risk replacing a company computer with your next check if you broke something.

That leads us to the worst place in pop culture that people be fucking and that’s public bathrooms. Why? Why would anyone in their right mind choose to do that in a place like THAT? Don’t get me wrong, there are some nice ass public restrooms out there, like the one at The Grove in Los Angeles but still - that’s where people be letting too loose if you catch my drift. And in TV and movies, they’re never in those nice bathrooms anyways. Always some rest stop that looks like the pits of hell. If you did that in real life, you’d walk away with a disease that has yet to be registered by the World Health Organization. Do you really want to be Patient Zero?

Whether it’s an awkward place like the shower or in the backseat of your car, or out and about at work or in a public restroom - TV and movies have painted these places with rose-colored glasses when it comes to fucking. So don’t believe everything you see on screen and be careful where you choose to get it on.