Understanding Sexual Compersion - The Opposite of Jealousy

Article written by Maya Vukovska

Oh, beware, my lord, of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock. The meat it feeds on…

Тhe words are not mine, but Iago’s - William Shakespearе’s character from the play Othello (1603) - probably the most famous story about the destroying power of jealousy in the history of world literature. Othello, a Moorish general in the Venetian army, succumbs to jealousy when Iago, the villain, tells him that his wife, Desdemona, has been unfaithful to him. In the end, the hero murders the innocent Desdemona and then kills himself.

Five centuries later, there are still Othellos walking the earth, making their partners’ and their own life miserable. But what if I tell you that there are people who are their complete opposite. To them, jealousy is an unfamiliar emotion; they feel genuine happiness when knowing that their partner is sexually or romantically involved with someone else. Sounds improbable, right? Yet, such people are as real as they can get.
Meet the compersive lovers.

Is compersion a real world?

You won’t find it in the official dictionaries, but the word is definitely worth adding to your vocabulary. Urban Dictionary, however, defines compersion as “a tendency to become aroused instead of jealous when one’s partner has sex with another person. You can expect someone who is compersive to say: “I feel overwhelmed with joy every time when I see my hubby come home from spending time at his lover’s apartment.” And they actually mean it!

Is compersion absence of love and care?

Most of us would consider compersion unusual and even abnormal, and associate it with the absence of love towards the partner. But that's because we think within the paradigm of monogamous relationships. Yes, monogamy is a prevalent tendency when it comes to coupling in Western culture, but there are also various types of consensual polyamorous relationships. Some people do not believe in being in love or having sex with only one person and identify themselves as swingers. Hence, they have nothing against sharing their partner with others and expect them to be sharing and compersive, too.

How do psychologists explain it?

Psychologists have long done their homework on jealousy, but are still struggling to understand the true nature of compersion. The topic has recently become of great interest to a number of researchers, especially those who specialize in evolutionary psychology, like Justin Mogilski and his colleagues from Oakland University. In 2019, they examined the reactions of monogamous and consensual non-monogamous people to an imaginary scenario in which their partner is having a parallel relationship with a third person. Аs expected, the monogamous participants in the research felt distressed at the thought that their partner might cheat on them, while the swingers were more relaxed about their partner having sex with other people.

Can you teach someone (or yourself!) to be compersive?

The answer is yes and no. It’s a “no” because you can't be monogamous and polyamorous type of person at the same time. It’s pretty much the same as being both а vegan and а meat-lover. You can force yourself into becoming one or the other, but it’s hard to change one’s true nature.

However, if you feel that jealousy is taking over your life, and because of it you risk losing your partner, there are some mental techniques you might try in order to curb the negative emotions.

Follow the steps to a life (almost) free of jealousy

First of all, you need to hammer into your head the thought that your partner is not your property. When you start seeing your lovers as separate human beings, and not as things that belong to you only, you’ll feel the uncontrollable urge to guard them loosen its tight grip, and you'll be able to breathe freely again.

Second of all, ditch insecurity. You secretly check your boyfriend’s phone for the suspicious messages, you hate the flirtatious way he talks to the bagel guy at the corner shop, and every time he says he’ll stay late at work or will go out with friends for drinks you imagine him screwing a colleague or a bartender. These are all symptoms that you feel insecure in your relationship. Your insecurity most probably stems from mistrust, and mistrust stems either from low self-esteem or bad experience with previous relationships. Instead of sniffing around like a dog for infidelity clues and snooping on his electronic devices, use your time and energy for doing more meaningful things. Because if you continue like that, sooner or later, the "green-eyed monster" will get you and eat you up!