Why Everybody Wants to Fuck Mormons

Among the many common gay siren-song fantasies that are bound to end in trouble, a few stick out beyond the rest. Sure, we've all lusted after a hopelessly straight guy every now and then. But the granddaddy of all forbidden fruit obsessions is more than merely straight. That's right, I'm talking about Mormon boys. But why exactly DO we all want to fuck them? For those unfamiliar, Mormons are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day saints. They all wear special, protective underwear, crisp white shirts and ties, and evidently have some unofficial requirement which dictates all missionaries must be hot, innocent twinks. Perhaps their sex-appeal is just a high-level evangelical tactic. I know that I for one have stood slack-jawed and drooling in my doorway as I heard out the entirety of a hot Mormon guy's spiel. This tantalizing class of ineffable sex-appeal is almost the exact opposite of your average queer Angelino. Traditional, conservative, well-behaved, squeaky-clean, and haunted to the core by sexual repression. It's an old pop culture trope with which we're all familiar, perhaps most recently vis-a-vis the Broadyway musical Book of Mormon, which features a hilariously scathing song on this subject ("Turn It Off"). But are a disproportionate number of Mormons really closeted gays? Hard to say, but that won't stop us from trying to seduce them. Your stereotypical Mormon is cute, charming, positive, fit, and has a tight little ass. What's not to like? As with all guys who are "off limits", there will always be that deep longing to convert them to the dark side. No sex is quite as magical as a boning that blows years of puritanical indoctrination out the ass. Unfortunately, as with all such fantasizes--you shouldn't really get your hopes up. You may be better off getting your kicks from door-to-door Mormon roleplay. Him, the naive young lad out to make the world a better place, and you, the sinner who seduces him down a path of hedonism. Actual Mormons might not greet flirtation as an appropriate response to their pitch. Or who knows, you may end up giving new meaning to the "missionary" positions. ;) Photo credit: iStock