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Article written by Maya Vukovska
You hate him, but the sex is amazing. What’s the way out?
Sex is supposed to be shared with someone you love. That is, of course, the best-case scenario. But sometimes sex is just sex and you can have a great one with someone you dislike. Some people label it “hate sex” and report that they’ve had the best sex in their life with a person they hate, isn’t a good fit for them, or both.
If this applies also to you, and you don't know how to stop or if you want to stop at all, then you’ll probably find this text helpful.
Hate sex can be a unilateral act, referring to one partner disliking the other, and that manifests itself in the form of aggression and revenge. But it can also be a shared experience where both partners can’t stand each other, and the overwhelming antagonism between the two adds to the exaltation of the sexual act. In either scenario, though, the adrenaline of the intensive negative feelings are channeled into frenzied sex.
One should draw a distinction between make-up sex and hate sex, because the former is used to revive the relationship and is love-nurtured, while the latter is not.
There is a theory first presented by the father of psychoanalysis Sigmund Freud, according to which, sex out of hate, envy, jealousy, or annoyance is an acceptable way to let all those negative emotions out. Freud thinks that not letting them out is unhealthy and can result in serious frustrations.
That’s the most stereotypical version of hate sex. You are pretty sure you want your boyfriend out of your life, because he’s a prick, he smokes in the bedroom just to get on your nerves, he’s been cheating on you and doesn’t even care to hide it. At some point, you find yourselves in a situation where you aren’t able to exchange even a couple of words without yelling at each other. So eventually, you say, “F*ck you and goodbye,” and part ways. But every time you see him again, something inside you bursts (and it's not your appendicitis!), and in the next moment, clothes and shoes go flying, and your legs get thrown over your shoulders. Although you don’t want to say it out loud, you know in your heart that the sex has never been better! Is it wrong that you feel like that? Maybe yes, maybe not.
You are angry at yourself that no matter how much you hate your ex or some other guy and you can’t stand to be in his company for more than ten minutes, you hardly miss a chance to fuck him. Clinical sexologists explain this behavioral inconsistency with the simple scientific fact that sexual attraction and compatibility has little to do with love and the desire to be intimate with a certain person. Sexual arousal triggers the production of oxytocin, which is, not without a reason called, “love hormone,” or even “love drug.” Simply put, when it comes to hate sex, your balls are your boss! But those of you who are advanced in biochemistry can equally blame the posterior lobe of the pituitary gland for that.
In the physical aspect, hate sex is just a transfer of your horniness. When it comes to the psychological triggers, though, it gets a bit complicated. Research suggests that sex makes you feel excused for being hateful towards your partner. When it comes to having hate sex with your ex, it can also mean that although your relationship’s come to an end, you still have unresolved issues with him. The inability to move on generates dissatisfaction and resentment. So, instead of packing your stuff and moving out (and on with your life!), you fight and yell, and through things to each other, and… have rough sex on the floor.
That’s a common practice in treating all kinds of frustrations related to anger and disappointment. You won’t be able to find your way out of the hate sex trap that’s keeping you stuck if you can’t identify the source of your hatred. Putting your finger on the problematic feelings will help you manage your frustration. Yes, sex with someone you hate may be mind-blowing, but the motives behind it are in many cases quite harmful to one's psyche.
Your sex life is yours to take pleasure in, and if you enjoy hate sex, just go for it. But if you experience regret and shame after hate sex, check out with your feelings and make sure whether it’s something you like, or not.Previous Next
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