By Cameron Yorke
We all know men come in all manner of sizes and shapes, but as you progress through life, there are 10 basis profiles you’re likely to encounter along the way. Of course there are fat ones, skinny ones, athletic gym bunnies, guys with small dicks, and in all number of colours on the spectrum, however we’re not concerned so much with the physical attributes, but rather the prowess, and emotional baggage of each one!
1 The First Timer
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Remember that inexperienced first time, when neither of you knew what to do? It was usually rough, hurried, maybe a little painful, but over almost before it began, and not entirely enjoyable! Even if you managed to lose your virginity to someone with more experience, you’re bound to have encountered this situation at some point in your formative years. Ironically for many of you, you’ll revisit this situation again in your fifties as you head through your midlife crisis and feel the need for youth to feed your ego. Does the age-old adage ‘The older I get, the younger they get’ ring any bells? The difference now is that with the benefit of age and experience you’ll be able to control the tempo and pace so it at least lasts a little longer!
2. The Wham, Bam, Thank You Sam!
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This one is known under many guises; the one night stand, the fuck and go, and if you’re antipodean you’ll also know it by the name Wombat. (Eats, roots and leaves!) these types usually reveal themselves close to closing time in a club, or in the early hours on Grindr, also known as ‘scrape up time.’ You know the scenario -after a heavy night of drugs, or drinking at the bar, and with confidence boosted by the substances coursing through his veins he is horny as hell. He suddenly realizes that if he doesn’t strike now, he’ll be going home frustrated and alone, with only his hand for company, and so begins the frantic search of those still in the game, for someone at least half way decent looking. Even that doesn’t matter too much though, it’s not like he’s ever going to see this guy again, or even exchange phone numbers! For him it’s just a warm place to wank himself, so if you’re going to take him up in his offer, accept it for what it is, and don’t expect him to still be with you by morning!
3. The Married Man
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Quite possibly the worst scenario in which to find yourself! He will promise you everything, profess undying love for, you while insisting ‘My wife doesn’t understand me’ or ‘We haven’t slept together for years!’ Of course he’ll insist they’re only staying together for the children, and once they’re at college you will finally be together… NOT! In this situation he has all the power, he sees you when he feels like it, has the perfect excuse when not! He may even buy you expensive gifts, but unless you like cuddling with Louis Vuitton, that won’t cut if for long. When he feels like it, you might even convince him to stay the odd night, but if you think he doesn’t fuck his wife/husband too, think again! Try telling him you have a dose of the clap, genital crabs or syphilis and watch the look of abject fear flood his face, when he thinks he’ll have to tell her/him!
4. The Boyfriend or LTR
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For a very few of us, this may the final straw in sexual encounters. They may fall truly, madly, deeply in Love and live happily ever after ‘til the end. The sad reality for most of us though, is that there will be many false alarms before we find our ‘Prince Charming’, as attested by the scores of gay couples shopping for furniture at IKEA each week, whilst almost as many are trying to return last months acquisitions. If you manage to find that perfect partner, this can be the best sex of all and only gets better with practice, but we now live in such a fickle, disposable society that the chances of finding that one true love are pretty slim, and at the first sign of discord it’s often easier to walk away than to fight for what you’ve got, a decision you may well regret once it’s too late!
5. The Open Relationship
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In every relationship, we all go through stages if discontent, but sometimes we become so tied up financially and emotionally, that it’s impossible to part quickly, easily or in agreement. You may still love him, you just no longer find him sexually attractive. Enter the open relationship! What ever role you play in this scenario, sooner or later it is bound to become toxic. There is always a younger, prettier, slimmer boy in the partnership, and he is generally the one who initiates the idea, basically as an excuse to fuck around with whomever he pleases - his get out jail free card, if you like, whilst still retaining access to Daddies money, and this is where it gets tricky. The other (older, uglier, fatter) one is left with no choice but to agree, knowing that either way, he will lose. Jealousies soon take hold, lies are told, and whether you are part of the couple or just an innocent third party, it almost inevitably ends in tears, from one, or all involved!
6. The Power Top
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This is the guy who has never really learnt anything since .1. What he lacks In technique and skill, he makes up for in brute force, control and staying-power, otherwise known as an inability to cum! He thinks he is the answer to all boy’s dreams, but in actual fact, sex with him is often uncomfortable, if not downright boring!
7. The Power Bottom
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Almost as annoying as the power top! Your power Bottom will wait to be mounted, before taking on a life of its own, thrusting back at you, and dictating the power, pace and position. Power bottoms usually have jealousy issues too, so you will often find them at Sex parties, keeping a mental note of the guys they’ve fucked and who is left in the conquest. No one is safe when there are power bottoms around!
8. The Revenge Fuck
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You see it happen every Friday night on the gay scene - a couple arrive at a bar and after a few drinks, one catches the other eyeing someone up. A fight ensues so the ‘eyer’ then decides if he’s going to be accused of it, he might as well do it! This is neither a mature or pragmatic way of resolving the initial argument, and can easily put in place a chain of events which will lead to the death of number 4. Above, Or the birth of number 5! If you’re the revenge element, the sex may quite possibly be good, but it will more than likely only lead to a number 2!
9. The Sympathy Fuck
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Another cliché! Your friends boyfriend breaks up with him, he turns to you for comfort, one thing leads to another, and you’re at it like rabbits! You didn’t want to fuck him, but you felt sorry for him. This is wrong in every possible way! You will feel filled with remorse, and your friend will be left wondering if you love him, and on the rebound may start to look for more from you! DON’T DO IT!
10. The ‘Dud Fuck’
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This the worst of them all! Usually they are the cutest of boys, but also the most lazy. If top, they will expect to lie on their back while you do all the work. If bottom it’s no better, they will plant themselves in position and not move for the rest of the night. You can pound away at them, pinch them, slap them, all to no avail, and it’s such a pity because they’re usually so hot, but that’s half the problem – they seem to think it’s their Devine right to just look pretty, and let everyone do all the work!
Hopefully many of you won’t have to go though all of these before you find your Mister Right, and when you do, spare a thought for the east of us who are still chasing the impossible dream!
