5 Deadass Basic Hook-up Hosting Musts
By Eris Chase
All right, you hottie babes, we just got back from a long coffee conversation with our gorge friend, Ryan St Michael, where he shared hilarious hook-up hosting fails. Most were things we always thought were very common basic manners when having a little bit of the strange come over for a little bit of the loving. But, NnnOoooOooooo… Come to find out you all are just out there wandering into sketchy boots dens of mess, not offered so much as a drink out of a sink, not earning even a simple hello, no place to clean up the errant lube, spit and cum sticking to you, and being shoved outside to wait on a ride share in all the kinds of inclement weather. Since knowledge is power, here is a handy guide to the bare minimums you should expect/deliver as a host-ee or a host.
** We hope it goes without saying before we get silly: with any hook-up, if you feel unsafe or unsettled past the usual mild nerves, it is perfectly OK to call it off. It's perfectly OK to leave or ask someone to leave. An "I'm so sorry, I'm not feeling up to it" is all that's really needed here. Your safety is ALWAYS the priority.**
Tidy Up
You will literally prep your love canal like you're getting the Hudson River swimmable again, but somehow you didn't brush your teeth or use clean sheets?? You'll wrangle your stiffy into a cock ring to ensure everlasting lovin', but you didn't clean the toilet or take the trash out? We aren't going to get clever here-here is your list of "yeah, you HAVE to do these as a host": Empty the trash, dirty dishes out of the sink, clean the toilet and wipe out the bathroom sink, change the sheets, open a window and air your place out, spritz room spray, have lube and condoms at the ready but out of sight, shower, brush your teeth, and put on clean clothes. So. Basic.
Offer a Beverage
Gurl… this one gets us in the feels. Are people out there just not offering a sip of anything upon an arrival to their home? *shudder of horror* A beverage is the most basic of hosting musts. You don’t need to pop the Krug, just a simple bottle of sparkling water is plenty. An energy drink, an electrolyte loaded liquid, or go big with a vodka soda; just offer something. Bonus here for putting it in a frosty and clean glass.
Chit Chat
We don't mean first-date, we are going to be the next long lasting romance chit chat. Just some basics. "Hi." "Come on in." "I'm glad you made it." "Can I take your coat?" "Is the temperature OK in here for you?" Truly, you don't need Lord Byron poetic wordsmith skill. A few standard, heck even clipped, sentences go a long way toward a comfortable interaction.
Towel or Hot Shower
If you did it right... there will be a mess to clean off. Lucky you, Tiger. Anyway, we know you don't want every rando quickie hook-up to lurk around after the games have concluded, but you need to offer a warm, wet washcloth at the minimum. Nicer is helping them clean up. Nicer still is an offer of a shower with yummy soaps and a clean fluffy towel. You'll know which way to go by the time the sticky hot passion juices start to get cold and flaky.
Proper Goodbye
Even if the hook-up was mid, and you know you won't be seeing this person again, have an ending. Get up, walk them out, make sure their car starts or their ride is en route and they have a safe spot to wait, or let them wait inside. A hug, a kiss on the cheek, a thank you. Really, again, you don't need to overdo it, but a cordial goodbye is just proper manners. Now, if you're lucky, and the hook-up was 10s across the board, then you'll hopefully be having coffee and tiny breakfast muffins together before starting more rounds of naughty delights!
There you go, the basic bitch, bare minimums you should present or expect in a hook up. A little effort goes a long way. Whether it's a one-time thing or the start of something more, treating each other with a touch of class can make all the difference. So next time you're preparing for a hook-up, don't just aim for mild satisfaction, aim for an experience that leaves you both fucked out, messy, but well taken care of!