Article by Karen Devereaux
For those of us who engage in anal pleasures, at some point, we were all novices. Think back to your very first time. Were you riding off into the sunset right out of the gate, or were you a bundle of nerves, clutching the sides of the bed with your face buried in the pillow?
If you’re considering a night at the rodeo but have some reservations, here are 5 beginner tips to having anal sex.
1. WATCH WHAT YOU EAT
Your stomach can be unforgiving—causing any number of unexpected bowel irregularities. You know your body better than anyone, so always be mindful of foods that don’t agree with your digestive system. Foods like those spicy, protein-filled burritos or all the lactose in that quart of Ben and Jerry’s are probably not the best choices the day of your big adventure (or even the day before). Opt for something light, have a great session in the sack, THEN pig out during your solo after-party. You’ll thank me later.
2. CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO GODLINESS
Now that you have your menu in order, you’ll next want to consider a purge and cleanse.
Head to the bathroom and empty your soul. This may take a while, but believe me, it’s worth it. Once you’re done, it’s time for an anal pick-me-up. Start with a warm water enema to cleanse your Hershey highway. Some may choose to incorporate a mild additive (like soap) and a few have been brave enough to try a douching element. Start slow and work your way up the ladder.
The feeling of anally ingesting a few quarts of water can be uncomfortable, so be prepared for a little cramping. When you’re done, try soaking in a warm bath to decompress and allow those bubbles to simply take you away.
3. AIM FOR A QUALITY LUBRICANT
If you’re a romantic, you’re probably thinking about the perfect meal and soundtrack for your beau. You’ve been plotting and planning for a while, and your big day is soon approaching. While you’re in planning mode, be sure to give considerable thought to lubrication. Bypass all oil-based products (because they can significantly compromise the integrity of prophylactics) and choose a water-based lubricant instead. And although times are tough, this is not the time to save a few pennies. Do your research and choose a quality lubricant—one that is long lasting and slicker than black ice. This is more of a trial and error, so don’t be afraid to ask around. You don’t want to be the guy getting lubed up with saliva. You watch porn. You know what I’m talking about. Don’t be that guy.
4. WRAP IT UP
We’ve all seen the commercials, read the brochures and received the advice. Basically, no glove, no love. Safe sex is vitally important to your health and keeps everyone safe. Anal sex can be a great experience, but a few minutes of pleasure isn’t worth a lifetime of angst.
Even the cleanest bum can sustain a rectal tear, which can significantly increase your chances of an infection or the contraction of HIV/AIDS. Some might try to convince you that once you go bareback you’ll never go back. Poppycock. Tell Mr. Man to wrap it up or take a hike. The best kind of love is self-love, so love yourself enough to keep yourself safe.
5. RELAX, TAKE IT EASY AND ENJOY
Ok…you’re slightly hungry, cleansed, have a quality lubricant and enough condoms to last you the rest of the year. Now you’re ready to take the plunge (all pun intended).
The last tip is just to relax and take it easy—and that goes for the pitcher and the catcher. If you’re on the bottom, let your partner know that in the beginning, you’d like to take it slow. Guide him into your love canal and only take as much as you can. If you need to take a break, let him know. This is not a photo-finish race, so take your time.
And if you’re a top, I know you’re probably horned-up a ready to pop that sweet cherry, but let’s not be insensitive. You’re helping someone create a memory, so do your fair share and soon you’ll be rewarded for your patience.
By following these 5 easy steps, you’ll be well on your way to an “I bet the neighbors know my name” night of bliss. And if you’re adventurous, there will always be time for round two…and perhaps even round three at sunrise. Happy trails, cowboy.
