Listen, I know I’m not alone in saying that porn is one of the many small joys in life, right? But like… just because it's one of our guilty pleasures doesn't mean we can't be a little bit picky! I mean, there’s a reason we scroll for like 20 minutes before finally picking something, right? If you’re anything like me, you’ve run into a few irritating things in the world of gay porn that just… grind your gears. Here are 6 of my biggest gay porn pet peeves that are guaranteed to leave you more frustrated than turned on.

1. When the “Twink” Looks Like Your Dad

I don't know about you, but when I click on a video titled "Twink Gets Wrecked," I’m expecting, I don’t know… a twink? You know, slim, youthful, twink vibes? What I don’t expect is some 40-year-old guy with a dad bod and a 5 o’clock shadow. And look, I’m all for body positivity and all shapes and sizes—truly. But call it what it is! If you're advertising a twink, don’t bait me with a Silver Daddy, okay? Just stick to accurate marketing, people!

2. The Plot That No One Asked For

Oh, so we’re suddenly invested in why this plumber is fixing a sink? If I wanted to see someone unclogging a drain, I’d watch HGTV, babe. The whole drawn-out "will they, won’t they" flirtation that goes on for the first 15 minutes of the video? It’s cute, but after a while, I’m like… get to the point. You know why we’re here, we know why we’re here. Let’s not waste any more time on pretending this is a real acting gig. I promise you, I’m not judging your performance, sweetie.

3. When the “Straight Guy” Isn’t Even Trying

Okay, we’ve all clicked on those “straight guy gets seduced” videos because—hey, it’s a classic fantasy. But can we PLEASE talk about the guys who couldn’t even pretend to be straight if their life depended on it? You’re telling me this dude, who just deep-throated the entire length like a professional, is supposed to be straight? I don’t think so, Brenda. I mean, at least try to act confused or conflicted for a few seconds, give us some realism! This is supposed to be a journey of “discovery,” after all.

4. Zero Chemistry – Just Going Through the Motions

We get it. You’re professionals. But does it have to feel like you’re clocking in for a shift? Nothing is more of a turn-off than watching two (or three, or four—hey, no judgment) people having sex and looking like they'd rather be anywhere else. Where’s the chemistry? Where’s the passion? Where’s the eye contact? If I’m going to watch, I at least want to feel like the actors are into it—like they’re enjoying themselves and not just counting the minutes until they can collect their paycheck.

5. No Versatility – Bottoms Only Bottom, Tops Only Top

Let’s mix it up a bit, shall we? I mean, how many times have you seen a top who never bottoms and a bottom who only bottoms? I understand, some people have preferences, but like… aren’t we all a little versatile inside? Give me a flip-fuck! Keep me on my toes! Surprise me with a little role reversal every now and then. It’s 2024; we can explore all the options without the labels.

6. The Music That Won’t Stop

Who decided that adding background music to porn was a good idea? Not everything needs a soundtrack! Sometimes, I want to hear the, ahem, natural sounds of the action, but instead, I'm bombarded with generic techno beats or elevator music that distracts me from the very thing I came here for. I don’t need a club remix going off in the background while they’re going at it. Seriously, turn it down or turn it off entirely. Let’s keep it raw.

So there you have it—6 of my biggest gay porn pet peeves that take me from turned-on to turned-off faster than you can say “buffering.” But hey, we all have our own little quirks and turn-offs, so what’s yours? Share your thoughts (and frustrations) in the comments below, and let’s vent about all the ways our porn fantasies don’t quite live up to reality. After all, we all deserve porn that hits just right. 😉

October 18, 2024 — Andrew Christian
Tags: Listicles