Article by: Cameron Yorke

We all know that tops regard themselves as the alpha male of the gay sex world. They are dominant, masculine, He-men - pillars of testosterone and virility. Indeed, throughout some cultures, in some parts of the world there is also a misconception that a top is technically not gay because they ‘give.’ We asked a cross-section of the community what six things a bottom should never say to a top, and although some of the answers were similar, many were rather amusing. The results are in! Let us know if you agree!

1. ‘Is it in yet?’

via GIPHY This was by far the most common answer in our survey, and is possibly the most damaging and hurtful to the top. Being so proud and virile, the worst thing you can do is emasculate him by insinuating that his package is not up to par! Other similar phrases were ‘I can’t feel it!’ ‘Your Brother was bigger,’ ‘I preferred your Father,’ or ‘I went to be fucked, not tickled’ It’s also not a good idea to ask him to supplement his offering with wither a finger or a Dildo! You nasty bottoms! ‘I could have done with a couple more inches, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers!’

2. ‘is that all?’

via GIPHYHaving been through all that trouble to finally find yourself a hot top, and dragged him back to your apartment, we understand the frustration when its all over in a few minutes or even seconds. Regardless, its just not manners to attack his lack of prowess, and hey, you should be flattered that he has become so excited over you that he couldn’t contain himself! Maybe give him a few minutes, without judgement, to see if he rises to the occasion again, but if not, the answer should never be

‘What do you mean, you can’t cum again?’

3. ‘Do you have any top friends you can call to help you out?’

via GIPHY This, of course, is also a huge wound to the pride of the top. As the Alpha-male, the Lion in the pack, he takes pleasure in the fact that he will show you who’s the boss, so it’s not nice to insinuate that he is not enough to satisfy you! ‘Ill need more than one of you to satisfy me,’ and ‘I like a bit of variety’ are not a good idea either. Similarly, during your liaison, in the full throes of passion, you should also refrain from saying, ‘Pass me my phone please, I need to see who else is around on Grindr!’

4. ‘Can you play some porn for me? I’m bored!’

via GIPHY Your top is convinced that he is going to give you the ride of your life, so it’s a huge dent in his ego if you ask this mid-stride! Far better to suggest that you both watch porn together from the start, so you have it on in the background should you find yourself yawning whilst he is endlessly pounding away without imagination. You should also in this situation, refrain from saying. ‘Hurry up, I've got another meeting lined up in 10 minutes!’

5. ‘I haven’t douched/washed!’

via GIPHY Nothing will deaden his libido quicker than the thought that there might be some nasty surprises hidden upon entry. You, as an eager bottom have an obligation to attend to these things ahead of time, in order to accommodate your top in the most hospitable way possible, imparting these comments is just not cricket, and you only have yourself to blame if he turns around and heads for the door! Other comments you should avoid include; ‘I had a killer Vindaloo earlier,’ ‘I hope I don’t fart!’ Or

‘Well, if this doesn’t clear my constipation, nothing will!’

6. ‘Turn around!’

via GIPHY A true top hates the idea of having to reverse roles, and frankly you, as a bottom are just being plain irresponsible in suggesting it! Nowadays, with the prevalence of PnP and Chemsex, more and more tops are doing drugs and literally throwing their ankles in the air as if they were filled with helium! This has reduced the availability of tops in the community by at least half, so to try and convert those who are left, is a punishable offense! Once they have experienced the pleasures of being a bottom, there is grave danger they will never turn back, so don’t you DARE let them in on the secret!

‘Are you sure you’re not a bottom also? Shall we try it and find out?

And finally, having chosen your hot, macho, libido laden top, pried him away from the ravenous eyes of all those other bottoms in competition with you, it’s really not a good idea once you’re finally alone to utter the words

7. ’I only want to cuddle!’ Or ‘Can we just be sisters?’

July 30, 2018 — Andrew Christian