Dear Agatha,

So, here’s the tea: My husband and I have been together for 15 years (yes, in gay years, that’s basically a century). We’ve built a beautiful, stable relationship, we finish each other’s sentences and sandwiches, and yes, we still laugh at each other’s dad jokes. Life’s good.

But recently, my husband sat me down — and no, not in the sexy way — and said he’s been thinking about… trying non-monogamy.

Now don’t get me wrong, we’ve flirted with the idea before. Some dirty talk here, a cheeky fantasy there. But this time he wants to make it real. Like, actually bring a third into the bedroom real.

I’m equal parts excited, terrified, and horny. Is this a midlife crisis in a harness? Is this the beginning of the end? Or just a spicy new chapter?

Help me out, Mama Agatha.

Nervously Curious in Cleveland

Oh, honey.

First of all — fifteen years?! That’s not a relationship, that’s a legacy. I’m talking gay presidential library type of stuff. Give yourselves a round of applause, a bottomless mimosa, and matching jockstraps for sticking it out this long.

Now, let’s talk about non-monogamy. Is it a hot mess? Sometimes. Is it also a deeply rewarding, intimate, and thrilling new way to explore your sexuality together? Absolutely. But it’s not something you just cannonball into like it’s a Fire Island pool party — it takes communication, honesty, and a little humility (and maybe some lube).

Let me walk you through this with the wisdom of someone who’s lived, loved, and lightly dominated a few polycules in her time.

1. Communicate Before You Penetrate

Your relationship is the main dish. Any third (or fourth… or cute twink with a nose ring) is just the side salad. Before you let anyone else in, check your own ingredients.

Have a real convo with your man:

• What are the rules?

• Are we playing together or separately?

• Do we swap names? Or just fluids?

Get aligned so no one ends up crying in the corner while the other one’s getting railed in a sling.

2. Be Transparent With Your Third

No one likes a bait and switch. If you’re inviting someone into your boudoir, tell them up front that you’re married. Ideally before they’re balls-deep in your husband. Trust me, it avoids drama. And STIs. And angry DMs that start with “So I didn’t know you were MARRIED…”

Bonus points if you both have your relationship status clearly stated on apps like Grindr, Scruff, or Feeld. (Also, if you’re not on Feeld yet… welcome to Thot Hogwarts.)

3. Start Slow, Stay Sexy

Don’t feel like you need to go full Eyes Wide Shut on day one. Maybe start with something sexy but low-stakes: a makeout at a party, mutual touching, maybe a nice lil’ three-man cuddle sesh with a side of flirting. Ease in. If it goes well, then you can bring out the harnesses and sling oil. Baby steps, babe.

4. Jealousy? Yeah, It’s Gonna Happen

Even in the healthiest open relationships, the green-eyed monster shows up. He’s not invited, but he will pop in — probably wearing mesh. Don’t freak out. Jealousy doesn’t mean it’s not working. It means you’re human. Talk about it, check in, and don’t keep score.

5. Your Marriage Isn’t Broken. It’s Just Evolving.

This isn’t a last-ditch effort to save your relationship. It’s a new way to celebrate it. If you go into this with love, trust, and a mutual sense of adventure, it can bring you even closer. Like, we-finish-each-other’s-blowjobs close.

Darling, you are not weird. You are not broken. You are not cheating just because you’re exploring something new with the man you love. You’re just two sexy, committed men trying to unlock the next level of intimacy — with maybe a hot dancer named Mateo in the mix.

Go forth, communicate, and enjoy the ride. Just remember to wash your sheets more often now. 💋

XOXO,

Agatha