Ask Agatha: He Told Me to Hook Up With His Friend… Now He’s Mad?!

Dear Agatha,

I honestly don’t know if I messed up here. My boyfriend and I have been open since day one, and he’s usually the one encouraging me to explore.

So when we were at a party last weekend and he joked that I should “go have fun with his hot friend,” I figured… why not? We were all tipsy, everyone was flirty, and it seemed like no big deal. I ended up hooking up with the friend that night — with full consent from all sides.

But now, a few days later, my boyfriend is acting cold. He says he didn’t think I’d actually go through with it, and now he’s “just weirded out.”

Was I supposed to read between the lines? I thought we were open and honest about this stuff. Now I’m second-guessing everything.

Help!

— Confused & (Possibly) Too Eager

Dear Confused,

Oh honey… this is the classic case of say one thing, feel another, blame you for the fallout — and you walked right into it with your lovely open heart and open… well, let’s just say open mindset.

First of all: you’re not a mind reader. If your man gave you the green light (even drunkenly), and your relationship has a standing open policy, then you weren’t in the wrong for taking him at his word. You acted within the boundaries you thought existed.

BUT. And this is a big but (my favorite kind)… you’re now seeing the very real difference between being okay with the idea of openness and handling the reality of it when it involves someone he knows.

Many people can handle anonymous flings or app hookups, but their tune changes when it’s a friend, someone in their circle, or anyone who’ll be at brunch next weekend. Ego, jealousy, insecurity — it’s all human, darling.

Now… is it fair for him to ice you out after telling you to go for it? No.

Is it understandable? Unfortunately… yes.

So what to do?

Talk. Clear, sober, face-to-face conversation. Let him express why this hit him sideways. Tell him what you heard and how you acted in good faith. If you two want to keep this open relationship thriving, you’ll need stronger agreements, more clarity on “yes” vs. “fantasy talk,” and maybe some rules about friends being off limits.

You didn’t mess up, babe — but next time, before you say “yes” to a party favor, make sure everyone’s truly ready for it. Consent is more than words; it’s comfort.

And honestly? If he can’t handle what he encouraged, that’s his growth to do — not your guilt to carry.

Now chin up, chest out, and go remind that man why he liked showing you off in the first place. And if he still can’t get over it? Well… there are plenty of other friends at the party.

XOXO,

Agatha