Ask Agatha: My Son Just Told Me He's Gay

Dear Agatha,

Last night, my 17-year-old son came out to me. He told me he’s gay, and I just froze. I didn’t say anything hurtful, but I didn’t say much at all. He started crying, and then so did I. Eventually, I hugged him and told him I loved him over and over again. But now I can’t sleep. I’m terrified — not because he’s gay, but because I don’t know how to protect him from the world. We live in a conservative town. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know anything about this world, and I’m scared of saying the wrong thing or messing it up. Please help. I want to be a good dad.

– Trying My Best

Dear Trying My Best,

First of all, breathe. And then pour yourself a cup of tea (or a glass of wine, I’m not judging). Because I’m about to tell you something very important: You are already doing better than most. You’re showing up. You’re asking questions. You’re scared for your son, not of him. And that, my love, is the foundation of an amazing parent.

You didn’t fail. You paused. Freezing in the moment doesn’t make you a bad dad. It makes you human. You were hit with something unexpected, and your brain went into “how do I protect him?” mode. That’s love, baby. That’s not failure — that’s instinct

Let him see your love, not your fear.

It’s okay to be scared. The world isn’t always kind. But don’t let your fear be louder than your pride in him. He did something incredibly brave by coming to you. That means he trusted you. So show him that trust was well-placed.

You don’t need to be an expert—just an ally.

You don’t need a crash course in RuPaul or memorize the lyrics to “Rain On Me.” (Although it wouldn’t hurt, and I highly recommend a playlist.) All you need to do is listen. Ask him questions like, “Is there anything you want to talk about?” or “How can I support you right now?” or even “Got a crush on anyone?” in the same casual way you’d ask about a girl. Because yes, it’s exactly the same thing.

This isn’t a phase. But it is a journey. His journey. And yours, too. You’re allowed to grow alongside him. You’re allowed to read, learn, cry, cringe at past jokes, and course-correct. That’s not weakness. That’s strength.

Worry less about the world, and more about your living room. You can’t fix the whole town, love. But you can make sure your home is the safest, warmest place he’s ever known. That’s how you protect him. That’s how you fight back. Love loud. Support boldly. And never, ever let him doubt how proud you are.

So go tell that boy of yours, “I’m learning. I’m trying. And I’ve got your back.” Then maybe make him a snack. (Teenagers are always hungry. Even while coming out.)

And when you’re ready? Read up on PrEP, learn a little gay lingo (yes, “yas queen” is optional), and know that this fabulous community you’re joining is big enough, bright enough, and bold enough to welcome you with open arms.

You got this, Dad. And your son? He hit the jackpot.

XOXO,

Agatha