BDSM 101 with Pro Vers Dom, Ryan Sebastian
Article Written By Eris Chase
One thing we never get tired of here at Andrew Christian, are all your juicy questions seeking advice, tips, and how to guides. And, why not from us? Andrew is known worldwide for championing all things sex-positive. We’re here to help you get off, feel amazing, and look mad stylish while doing it. Lately, we've been flooded with requests for BDSM (bondage, discipline/domination, submission/sadism and masochism) tips from you all. You’ve shared some not so great experiences that fall under the umbrella acronym and want to know how to get it right in your next session. You asked for a guiding hand, so, we called in our favorite Pro Vers Dom, Ryan Sebastian, to give us a ‘best practices’ guide. Sit back, or kneel, and read along to our BDSM 101 for the curious.
Where did your journey into BDSM/Kink start?
“My first boyfriend and I got together when I was 19. He was in law enforcement. I’d see him every day in a police uniform. I started fetishizing that look, the Tom of Finland look, and in general men in leather. For him, he had to be so dominant (Dom) during day, at night he wanted to be submissive (Sub). He wanted to let go of control. Have someone take over. I learned through the experience of our 8 years together and never left the scene.”
“I’m from Pennsylvania, so I did Kink and Fetish weekends at Woods Campground… I’d spend 3 days of flogging - 8 hours a day - in service and education. The lifestyle suited me. When I got into porn, I went onto the fetish side. From there I got involved with The Palm Springs Leather Order of the Desert (PSLoD). I was Mr Palm Springs Leather in 2023. At the club, I’m focusing on education and sharing my knowledge. I’m a Pro Dom, full time sex worker, tattoo artist and barber. I have been hired many times to share and teach my skills so people can bring them into their relationships.”
Why is sharing your knowledge so important?
“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been to parties at clubs and felt violated. Where guys aren’t seeking consent, they are just going into a sex club and putting their hands on people. If it’s happening to me, it’s happening to many other people too. There is a whole sex club etiquette that could sometimes be missing. So I’m sharing through seminars and demos at PSLoD and clubs through the end of year, on how to BDSM safely for maximum fun. I want to make sure to include having conversations about trust, consent, how you set up a scene, watching body language, learning to see when someone needs a break. Making sure people know, it’s not just about finding someone on a hook up app, taking them home and flogging the shit out of them. I’m also passionate about trying to include more trans people, females and straight couples into more spaces. I want to feel equality, not just say it.”
What is the most important component to getting started?
“Have a conversation, if I’m the Dom, I want to know specifically your needs… ask questions, what are you looking for? Example, if it’s spanking, ask have you ever been spanked before? What did you like about it? Do you want to leave marks? Do you want to feel it tomorrow? I need to understand your experiences to make sure your experience with me is better than what you’ve had in the past. Build on your foundation. What have they been through before… do you have any trauma associated with a former experience. Answer any and all questions.”
“Open up so they can trust you and conversely, have them open up to you. I’ll give them access to knowledge about me. So they can talk to me freely. I want them to feel as comfortable with me as they can. Never go into a bondage or BDSM scene with someone you don’t fully trust. I want to fully understand the person I’m talking to and I want them to understand me. I always ask what do you not want to have happen? What are your limits and boundaries? Then I build a scene around that.”
Did you lack for communication in the beginning? Have a bad experience as so many have?
“Absolutely I’ve had bad experiences. My first experience was terrible. I had two guys tie me up and tickle me for hours… without my consent and with out stopping when I was begging them to. I still have trauma around tickling because of it. Now, I have at least 3 or more conversations with someone before I will do a scene with them to make sure all parties needs will be met, and boundaries respected.”
You mention boundaries, how so?
“Hold yourself to the same standards that you would want them to held to. You need to know what you’re doing first and ease into it. You HAVE to be able to communicate your needs and your Subs/Doms needs. If you can’t communicate your desires, and the other person isn’t hearing you, full stop. You’re safety feeling at risk isn’t worth it to continue. If you aren’t at ease, you may not be able to get into the right head space to fully enjoy and fully let go during the experience. Never go into a BDSM experience with someone you don’t trust.”
“Make sure you cover your DON’T’s just as much as you cover what you desire. I don’t want my arms tied a particular way because it hurts my shoulder injury. I like my thighs spanked, but not my upper butt cheek. I don’t want to be spit on, but I like to be licked. I want words of praise more than degradation. Etc. Make sure your hard no’s are as out in the open as possible.”
What is the best place to start? An ease of entry category to BDSM?
“I think spanking or impact play is a good place to start. A safe position is on a bed or in a chair across your lap with you submissive head in your lap and you leaning forward over their back. That way they are supported on your legs, and you can support yourself on them and you can use your hands or a paddle on their ass and their head is covered by your arm, so you don’t have to worry about hitting them on the head. To this day it’s one of my favorite positions to get spanked in.”
As far as setting up a scene, what does it entail?
“Every scene is different, so set up is always changing, so it goes back to all the communication prior to. You should know where you are going to meet and all you need to have ready. Everything from whips, paddles, dildos, restraints, etc, to waters, lube, cleaning supplies. The last thing you want to do is set up an entire dungeon and not use 90% of it. Think of it as time management. Don’t have your play space disorganized, have what you need out and at the ready.”
Once you set up your scene, how do you get started?
“You have to warm up your submissive. What is going to get anyone through a scene are endorphins. Being a tattoo artist, I understand that you can’t just jump into blasting through a tattoo on someone’s skin. They won’t last. You can’t start at an 8 on the pain scale with anything, be it spanking, flogging, using a single tail, you can’t start medium or full strength. You always start light. If not, he person will most likely tap or safe word out of the scene very quickly after it starts.”
How do you mean, start light?
“You have to get and keep the person in the headspace to be in the moment, staying relaxed. Starting a scene off with putting them on their knees, maybe boot worship, make sure you have physical contact, light caressing…. Something like getting your breathing synchronized, closing your eyes and slow your breathing to match. Do this for a few minutes until your vibe and mood match. This is highly important before you start any kind of impact play.”
“Once they are in that relaxed headspace, move into the positions you’re going to be in for the scene, whether its a cross, spanking bench, a bed, across the other persons lap, etc. Just keep the ease in the body as you get ready to begin. When you start as a beginner, it may be best to keep a lot of physical contact. Across the lap, cradling, is a better place to start than tied to a cross. Nothing wrong with finding yourself there, it just isn’t maybe the best for a first time. A good way to start is use skin to skin contact. Gently use your hands, chin, etc to get blood flowing to the area you are going to be focusing on. You can blow across the skin. If it’s spanking, maybe start with rhythmic rapid, but not hard, taps in a thudding motion across the area. Get the blood circulation going. Start the scene with a slow burn, then ramp up with an increase in power with each strike.”
How can you tell someone is ready for more?
“At the end it’s all subjective, some subs may never need to be warmed up. But, the first time playing with someone, you always error on the side of caution. Start slow. You don’t want someone uncomfortable or in the type of pain they don’t want to be in. That’s why the interview process in the beginning needs to take place and fully understanding what this person is asking for and asking you to do to them. And they need to fully understand what they are asking to have done to them. “
How can you make sure you’re trying things out with the right person?
“For me, I’m very choosey who I let dominate me. I think all submissive’s should be too. Be picky about who you Dom or Sub for. Just because you are physically into someones looks, they are hot, does not mean they are someone who will work for you in this kind of space. We can tend to see a lot of people enter this space with a lot of money who buy the whole outfit and start calling themselves ‘Sir’ with no experience.”
Like “Cosplay Barbie”?
“Exactly. Nothing wrong gearing up, but know what you’re doing first. You may find someone sexy, but it doesn’t mean they know what they are doing to meet the needs you have. Don’t let someone buy your company… stop confusing bondage and BDSM with sex. They are 2 different things. They can coexist in the same space, but they are two different things. Sex is with someone you are sexually attracted to, bondage and BDSM is something you do with someone you trust with your life. It doesn’t matter what they look like, it’s someone who you are willing to cede all control to or assume all control over.”
Does someone’s gender identity come into play for you in who you Dom/Sub for?
“I would definitely submit to a woman or trans person who has just as much knowledge as a man. Let them dominate me the same way. I’d submit to either in a BDSM way, because for me, what I do is a spiritual journey that helps me release childhood traumas, PTSD, or just the shitty workweek I had. Whatever it is that I need to get out, I can get it out that way instead of drugs, cutting or fighting. This has been a safe way to get out negative emotions with out actual self harm. No harming anyone else either. It’s my high. It’s my release. So, it’s not sex, at least for me. It’s very much spiritual. It’s what I try to express to people, this is so much more. So many deep levels you can get into. So, no, for me gender identity is not a concern.”
How can you tell someone is still doing ok during a scene? We are all people pleasers to an extent, how can you tell they aren’t just staying “in” to not disappoint you?
“For the Dom, as the person delivering the pain and usually driving the scene, you need to make sure you are really checking in with your sub throughout. All of us can lean into people pleasing and may not want to tap out even if they need to as to not let their scene partner down… so it’s on the Dom to make sure they are watching body language or body movement… watching for pale skin, uncontrolled shaking. You can watch for tensing up of muscles, how long someone holds those muscles tense is an indication of where they are at pain wise. If you’re noticing that they are tensing from head to toe, but they release it, it’s probably safe to go back in. It’s the same reason you can’t just pummel away at someone, you won’t be able to tell if they are able to continue. Really look at them, are they breathing like they are panicking? They may tell you they are ok, but the profuse sweat and heavy breathing are your clues that it may be time to pause or stop. They can go into shock. Sometimes it becomes impossible for the Sub to articulate their need to stop, or safe word. It’s always on the Dom to notice things like cold clammy skin, an inability to speak, etc and stop the scene. They are in control, you have to be capable of knowing when to stop.”
How do you make sure, as a Dom, you don’t get caught up and take things too far?
“The most important part of being a Dom is to make sure you don’t get caught up… period. Even if you are sadistic, like I am, and like putting people in pain, you MUST keep your Subs needs first and foremost. Just because they are submitting to you doesn’t make them lesser, you as a Dom are providing a service to them first. Your needs can be met, as long as they don’t step over the Subs capabilities and boundaries. But, you must set aside your intentions on what should happen. It’s not about you pushing someone so far past their limits that you lose sight of their objective and what is best for the person you are playing with.”
After you conclude a scene, what does aftercare look like?
“Everyone’s needs for aftercare are different, but both the Subs and Doms desires must be met. Myself, I don’t need aftercare, but my Sub or Dom may need it. A Sub may not need to be held and cuddled after, but the Dom may need that. Some Subs may need to be held and cry. They need to be held, as the Dom, you need to be there for that in every way, even if you don’t need it. It should be spoken about and agreed to before anything starts so no one is left wanting at the end of an otherwise incredible experience. All wounds need to be carefully tended to. Cuts, burns, etc… cleaned, ointments rubbed in, dressed, etc. You may need to eat, be hand fed, have a water bottle held for you. Some may need sex after, but, that usually isn’t a component in many scenes. Whatever you do, unless it’s totally agreed to, DO NOT just pat someone on the back and leave the room. You have to take care of each other once it’s over, unless they specifically ask for it beforehand. That’s not it. You must unwind and cap the scene.”
“I did a scene in front of 200 guys and was whipped by someone I really respect and admire. After we were done, he, as the Dom, put me on my knees with my head in his lap, and we were there for a while and all I was thinking is ‘I’m good. I don’t need aftercare. I want to go see the rest of the dungeon’, but he needed that part. So just because you don’t need it doesn’t mean they don’t. It’s a reciprocal relationship.”
Do you have any final thoughts?
“BDSM can be used as a release from a horrible workweek, a traumatic event in your past, or just to feel that drop into another headspace for a while. It can be used in place of masking tools like drugs and alcohol to set the body and mind free. It can release the pressure and stress and negative emotion. It can be a spiritual experience. The orgasmic release is very secondary and may not be a goal of the scene at all. You don’t need 2 hours of bondage to get off, your hand will work much faster. So don’t feel like you must intertwine the two.”
“Education is key. Go to kink club, and watch the demos. Seminars. Go to education nights with groups like PSLoD. Watch clips online. Be humble, seek out people who know what they are doing. Ask to be taught. Almost every expert in the field will help you learn. They want you to be safe, and there is always room for more Subs and Doms. Put up an ad, looking for someone to teach my how to do this safely… never think you know everything.”
There you go, budding kinksters, your BDSM Best Practices 101. Ryan is and absolute brilliant, kind hearted and loving soul. The definition of looks can be deceiving. He still goes to demos, still seeks more knowledge and technique. So if he stays curious, you can be too! You can reach out to him, he’s ready willing and able to help you find your first ways on your journey. Enjoy the trip into a little something new, let us know how you find it. Xoxoxo.