Article written by Maya Vukovska

‘Hanging out,’ ‘dating,’ ‘in a committed relationship,’ ‘married,’ ‘having a casual relationship,’ ‘friends with benefits,’ ‘live-in partnership,’ ‘in a polyamorous relationship’… Labelling the categories for sexual partnership helps us define where we are in a relationship and negotiate the terms of it. By clarifying our desires and expectations we can easily navigate e relationship and avoid misunderstandings and hurt feelings. But what if we can’t find a word to define the relationship we are currently in? Ironically as it may sound, there’s another label for that: WELP.

WELP stands for “Without Established Labels Person” and can be applied to a person who’d text you at 2 in the morning to check if you are available for a quick fuck. And he never texts you or calls you unless he’s run out of fuck options. You cannot call him ‘fuck buddy,’ because he’s no buddy to you. You certainly know his name, and probably his zodiac sign, too, but that’s all. No inside jokes, no sharing stories about parties gone wrong and funny old aunties who once danced on Broadway, no nothing. Your WELP is just a dick with a human body attached to it. You are not interested in him, and he can’t care less about you.

And you can’t help but ask yourself: What, for Pete’s sake, are you doing with this guy, anyway? Don’t you have anything more interesting to do? Obviously, you don’t. And yet, here you are - texting each other whenever one of you wants to have sex.

If you are still struggling to fathom what’s going on between you and this someone who does not fit any of the sex partnership categories, we are here to provide some insight into your situation.

For starters, try answering honestly the following questions:

Do your rendezvous usually happen in the late hours of nights?

Do you start having sex after exchanging only a couple of words like ‘Hi’, and ‘Take off your top’?

If you are in a sinking boat in the open sea together with this person and Darth Vader, there are only two life vests, and you get the one, would you rather give the spare vest to Darth Vader than your casual lover?

If this person goes missing, would you notice it when you first see his face on a “Help find me” flyer?

Do you have zero selfies together?

If you answered “yes” to all questions, then congrats! - you’ve got yourself a WELP.

Now that you’ve convinced yourself that the guy you’re sleeping with is a WELP, what you need to do next is embrace this fact and make the best of it.

First of all, reconsider the whole idea about declaring your current relationship status on Facebook. As we said, labels are a practical shorthand when navigating through the dating jungle, but if both partners are reluctant to expand the parameters of what’s going on between the sheets, then why bother naming “the thing”?

Then, think about all the advantages of dating a WELP.

He is a time saver.
He’s discreеt.
He doesn’t do sleepovers.
He is the only lover you’ve had so far who doesn’t nosy into your love affairs, and who’s never asked you about your previous boyfriends.
He comes cheap - you don’t have to spend a weekly wage on dining-outs, movies and drinks while with him.
He won't jump down your throat if you forget his birthday. Or even his name.

Try to understand WELP’s lifestyle

WELPs are a product of the Z generation. The Zillennials have overthrown their parents’ stereotypes. They don’t see themselves settled down at 30, with kids, a dog, and juggling two residential mortgages. And besides, there’s far less pressure to commit oneself to “the one” right now than there was even a decade ago. Expectations and hopes about finding true love have evolved into finding a satisfactory hook-up for the night. Right swipes rarely grow into a committed relationship, but you already knew that when you found your WELP on Grindr. Kissing a WELP is not like breaking the Frog Prince’s spell!

And one final piece of advice: Allow yourself to feel good about dating a WELP! That can be your way of embracing your youth and saying “no” to conventional labels.

June 24, 2021 — Andrew Christian