One of the reasons there are haters on Valentine’s Day is because well, single people can be a little salty about being alone on a day meant for romance. However, single people are not entirely wrong for throwing shade because more often than not, couples are high-key annoying as hell on social media, especially in mid-February. Like, we get it - you are in love. Does the whole world really need to see the rose petals and champagne? No. So if you are coupled up and expect to be that way on Valentine’s Day, here are some ways to avoid being that incredibly cringe-worthy couple all your friends talk about in the other group chat.

Novel-Size Declarations

It may sound as antiquated as dial-up but physical cards are what couples need to go back to. I am in love and always write my partner a lengthy note inside a card I went out and bought. Why? For one, I do not care or think my aunt in Portland needs to know what my partner means to me. Secondly, what is the point of writing something as long as Stephen King’s ‘It’ online for your partner to scroll through? I get birthday posts and quick shout-outs on Christmas to loved ones but Valentine’s Day is something you celebrate with your partner. You do not need to share those sentiments with the rest of the world. Also, shocker - the rest of the world does not care about your love. Your friends are so happy for you two but they do not need to see you write a book to one another every year. Lastly, a physical card showcases more of an effort.

A Million & One Stories

You know those people who think their life is as interesting as the Kardashians, therefore they document every single moment of their existence? That already makes people’s skin crawl, but add Valentine’s Day into the mix and - yikes. Your friends do not need to see you pick an outfit for dinner, you shop for dinner, make dinner, eat dinner, open catch my drift? All you gotta do is maybe post one story and pic, max, and actually enjoy V-Day with the person you are actually in the relationship with and not your followers.

Whole Ass Albums of Photos

In case you missed it, one story and one pic are more than enough. Enjoy being present on Valentine’s Day. Trust, not only will your partner appreciate it - but your friends will too!

Matching Ensembles

Matching costumes on Halloween, being twinsies in pajamas on Christmas morning? We love to see it. Dressing the same on Valentine’s Day? No. That is a level of weird that your friends will not just be annoyed by, but will probably lead people to stop talking to y’all.

Posting Presents

Obviously, people won’t care if you post something extravagant or heartfelt, but a generic box of candy and some random ass teddy bear? Please, those are gifts best left off the ‘gram.

Single Shade

The absolute worst thing someone in a couple could ever do on Valentine’s Day, other than all of the above, is shade their single friends. Yes, there are some loners out there who wish they had someone to buy them a heart-shaped box of chocolate at CVS last minute, but there are also a lot of single people who are living their best life in a permanent hoe phase. Don’t hate. Let them be and just keep your “you are just not happy unless you have got someone” ideologies to yourself because you very well know you have been single as fuck in the past on February 14th.
February 09, 2022 — Andrew Christian