Article by Maya Vukovska

From “white” lies all the way to physical cruelty, anything in-between can be a dealbreaker in a relationship. But sometimes it is not easy to recognize a red flag until the shit has already hit the fan. I am not suggesting that you should play an investigator from day one, but being on the alert for red flags won’t hurt. Catching sight of a dealbreaker early on may save you a lot of emotions, nerves, and some real-ass troubles. From “I am bored AF” to “Not into fems”, gay men have ranked their no-nos when it comes to sex and dating.

Using discriminative language on dating apps

Just because they are hiding behind nicknames and headless profile pictures, some people think it is OK to be really nasty on dating apps. Statements like “Not into fems/fats/Asians/twinks/fill in the blanks, or “Straight here, looking for straight acting” are, unfortunately, not uncommon. What is admirable, though, is that many gays find this type of “advertising” one’s preferences offensively disgusting, and categorize it as a huge dealbreaker.

Crying over the ex

If you haven’t gotten your shit together after a breakup, just don’t go chasing ass… yet! Because nobody likes listening to a constant whining about “my ex this" and "my ex that”. Demonstrating that you still have feelings for a former lover can turn off a potential new partner as fast as the smell of fermented herring.

“I am DL”

Somebody, please tell these guys that it’s not the 1950s anymore, and if they want to be their true selves, there’s nothing stopping them…but themselves. Yes, we understand that sometimes it can be damn difficult to walk out of the closet, so we must be respectful towards guys who are starting a conversation with, “Listen, I’m a down-low”. And yet… In 2023, when homosexuality is not categorized as a deviant behavior anymore (at least in some countries), playing games, and pretending to be someone you are not, is just sad. Plus, it is a massive red flag that it is not going to end well.

Checking out other guys…

…or Grindr in your presence. As a girl who’s at peace with her God-given appearance, I don’t mind my date ogling other girls while we’re at a bar. I am aware of the fact that I’m as far from a Brazilian model as is Honda from Ferrari. If you just started dating, it’s OK to stay on the apps. However, it is not OK to use them while on a date because that means you’re not interested in them. It is called basic manners, and if one lacks them it is another red flag.

Talking about sex nonstop

Dudes being horny all the time is one thing, talking about it all the time is just not. A guy steering every conversation towards sex is a waste of time - he probably just sees his date as a fuck toy only, and not as a partner with whom they could actually have a decent talk now and then.

Keeping you a secret

If this is happening in your relationship - he is introducing you as “my friend, Joe”, and is too careful not to show his feelings in public, it’s a sign there is definitely “something rotten in Denmark.” I mean, in your suitor. If he is reluctant to introduce you as who you really are because he believes that will cause him problems, the man is bad news.

Asking if you’re into “parTying”

Love may be deaf, blind, and childishly stupid, but no matter how sexy and irresistible a guy is, don’t let him get you into trouble. If methamphetamines are his idea of quality parting, what will be next? That's heading down a dark and toxic road. Avoid following him at all costs. Alas, some gay men are so desperate to partner up, that they are prone to ignore many things that are obvious red flags and dealbreakers. But mark my word, guys - there’s nothing worse than settling on just anything in life, be it a shitty job, a disrespectful boyfriend, or whatever. Well, probably being on TikTok all the time is worse than that, but that’s a topic for another story…
February 16, 2023 — Andrew Christian