Most Cringeworthy Things You Can Do During Sex

Let’s face it: sex is already a bit of a circus. There’s sweat, limbs in awkward positions, and the occasional “whoops, wrong hole” moment. But if you’re not careful, a steamy session can go from hot to horrifying faster than you can say “safe word.” Here are the most cringeworthy things you can do during sex—and trust me, avoiding these will save you from being the punchline of someone’s group chat.

1. Saying the Wrong Name

There’s nothing that screams “this isn’t going well” like calling your partner by someone else’s name. Bonus cringe points if it’s your ex, your roommate, or—brace yourself—your sibling’s name. Pro tip: if you’re bad with names, stick to gender-neutral terms like “babe,” “daddy,” or “king.”

2. Awkward Dirty Talk

Look, not everyone can sound like a professional in those movies. But saying things like, “Yeah, you like that, you stupid dum-dum?” is guaranteed to kill the mood faster than bad Wi-Fi on movie night. Keep it sexy, not comedic. Unless, of course, your goal is to win America’s Got Talent.

3. Checking Your Smartwatch

If your Apple Watch is more concerned about your heart rate than your partner, it’s time to rethink your priorities. Nothing says “I’m so into this” like pausing mid-thrust to check your notifications. Leave the tech out of the bedroom—or at least put it on silent, you multitasking maniac.

4. Bringing Religion into It

Unless this is a very specific kind of roleplay, declaring that your hookup made you “sin” is a guaranteed ick. Look, if you’re feeling guilty, take it to confession—not the bedroom. Your partner doesn’t need to be part of your redemption arc.

5. Getting Too Sentimental

“Try not to fall in love.” Excuse me?! This is sex, not The Notebook. If you’re planning to drop a line like this, you might as well hand your partner a one-way ticket to Icksville. Keep it light, fun, and sexy—save the rom-com dialogue for, well, the actual rom-coms.

6. Making Weird Noises

Sex is noisy—we get it. But if you’re out here sounding like a barnyard animal or reciting a Pokémon battle cry, you’re doing it wrong. Moan, groan, scream if you must, but maybe keep the “WOO-HOO!”s for the rollercoasters, okay?

7. Bringing Up Irrelevant Facts

Nobody wants to hear about your 401(k), your ex, or the weird documentary you watched last night while they’re doing their best to rock your world. Stay in the moment! The only thing you should be focusing on is the person in front of you—not your existential musings.

8. Being Too Rough Without Warning

There’s a fine line between kinky and chaotic. Surprise choking, spanking, or any kind of WWE move should come with a consent form. Communication is key, people—don’t turn sexy time into an impromptu MMA match.

9. Overanalyzing Everything

“Am I doing this right? Are you sure you like it? Should we try a new position?” Babe, just relax! Nobody’s expecting you to be a gold medalist on your first go. Confidence is sexy, overthinking is not.

10. Treating It Like a Speedrun

Okay, maybe you’re excited. Maybe you’ve been pent up. But finishing before the clothes are fully off? That’s not even a warm-up! Take your time, savor the moment, and remember: this isn’t a race to the finish line.

There you have it: the ultimate guide to not making a fool of yourself in bed. Avoid these blunders, and you’ll be a bedroom legend in no time. Just remember, even if something goes wrong, laughter can be the best foreplay—so long as you’re laughing together, not at each other. 💋