Article written by Kendra Beltran

The basics of a dating app are fairly simple. You swipe this way or that, DM, and then big, bang, boom. Right? Not so much. Not every DM you slide into is going to work out. Hell, sliding in may not even be the route to take. There is a myriad of ways to navigate dating apps, but we’re going to get astrological with it and use your sign to make sure you have a good time when on the prowl for everything from love to a bare-bones hookup.

Aquarius

You’re an independent, intellectual person so getting attached to someone and doing anything more than grabbing a drink or fucking takes more of an effort than a quick exchange of emojis and dick pics. When you approach someone on a dating app, skip all the small talk and start trying to start a legit conversation because all that BS will just lead you towards someone that is not worth your time. Get to the root of who the person is before you meet up with them so you know right away you aren’t in for a boring night.

Pisces

Your fear of being judged has made you a little skittish when it comes to dating online. Imagining people swiping as fast as they can to get away from your profile? A nightmare. It’s time to face your fears and just go all-in with dating online, especially when that is the most attainable way to meet someone in the here and now. Once you get over that hurdle, seek out those are express themselves on their profiles in a way that’s more than a shirtless pic. You want an artist, not just someone who can look pretty.

Aries

Being impulsive has led you to one too many bad dates. So much so, your ass could write a set of Encyclopedia Britannica on them. It’s time to focus on what you actually like doing when you’re alone and find that in someone else. Do you like the outdoors? Make sure their profile mentions hiking or camping. Do you live for sports? Find someone who shares your love of whatever sports team it is that you like.

Taurus

It’s time to sort of step away from the fairy tale that plays on a constant loop in your head and step back in reality because while there are some princes lurking on dating apps, there are way more frogs. You’re often in a hurry to find someone that you fail to take the time to actually know who they are before you go out. You put them on a pedestal because of their profile, but it’s important to talk more than a few times online before diving into anything.

Gemini

Your curious nature has often made you a dynamo when it comes to dating apps because you’re not afraid to swipe right on someone totally random. Our only word of advice is to maybe swipe a little less because your indecisiveness can lead you to have way too many cocks on your plate to handle.

Cancer

Naturally unwilling to open up has caused you to have one of the most basic profiles in all the land. Which, I get. You don’t want all your personal information out there but damn, no one asked for your social security number. Put more effort into how you present yourself on your profile and you’ll be surprised by the uptick in results you start to get.

Leo

When we DM someone and they don’t respond, most can shake that off. You? Another story. Stop feeling like everyone you message has an obligation to get back to you. They don’t. Once you get past that reality check, you’ll start to feel better about the world of dating apps.

Virgo

You’re a practical person and because of that, you utilize your dating app as you see best. Totally okay, but your ability to automatically judge others before you get to know them could be causing you to miss out on the right person.

Libra

We’re going to guess you either don’t have a dating app account, or you made one and then forgot about it because you sort of live to go against the grain. Here’s the thing, you could be missing out on someone you may not meet otherwise. Perhaps you need to find the best app for you. Perhaps it’s not one of the bigger ones, but more so apps that could lead to dating like ones about meetups and whatnot.

Scorpio

Jealousy has led to more than one negative situation in your life and dating apps can’t make that easier because you’re constantly thinking, am I the only one they’re talking to? Of course, you aren’t. Once you get past the fact that people dating online are meeting numerous people, you’ll feel better. It’s once you two commit to one another that you can then talk about deleting said apps and moving on with your lives together.

Sagittarius

Chances are your inbox has about a dozen potential partners right now, huh? You love to live in excess which...how’s that working out for you? We get that you can’t stand to be constrained but at the end of the day, you have to decide if you want a partner or just want to be fuck whoever you want for the rest of eternity. If that’s the case, make that known right upfront with those in your inbox who may be expecting a relationship. That way you don’t get any clingers upfront.

Capricorn

Is there anything more annoying than someone who comes at you right away correcting you about something? If you said no, that’s because you’re that person. You have a bad habit of your opening line to someone being about how they made a grammar mistake in their bio or a caption in their picture is off. Back that up a bit because no one likes to be talked down to.

August 11, 2021 — Andrew Christian