PLATONIC FRIENDS VS. FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

Article written by Rahmel Reid

You’d be pretty hard-pressed to find a guy within the gay community who hasn’t indeed, fucked with a friend of theirs. It could be a best friend, an out of state friend, a mutual friend — hell, as long as you know their name and what they do for a living, they qualify. I myself have had some sort of sexual interaction with at least 70% of my gay male friends and acquaintances. Given or received head. Fucked or have been fucked. At a club, a bar, someone’s apartment or even the staircase in some random parking lot . And the more I was open about my rendezvous with my friends — they would let me know that they I wasn’t the only one and they have partaken on such behavior on more than one occasion. Let’s just say it’s happened more than once and less than twenty times. But surely, this can’t be the mindset of every gay man out there.

Not everyone wants to share their boyfriend in a threesome on a Saturday night and then break bread at a Sunday brunch, less than 24 hours after his man just busted a nut on yo’ ass cheeks. And I can confirm that this truly isn’t the mindset of every gay. As a reformed hoe (in progress, we’re taking it day by day child), who still enjoys my 70% of the aforementioned promiscuous sexual behavior — I have actually grown to value that 30% of genuine platonic friendships a lot more. So here are some takeaways from both personal experiences and from other voices in the gay community; when it comes to sex amongst friends (both FWB and Platonic) and boundaries.

FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

Comfort dick, as I like to call it, can be very convenient and well… comfortable. Comfort dick is just a metaphor for someone you consider a friend with mutual respect and the two of you have had good sex with great chemistry. It can be a top, bottom or any and everything in between (cause you know they make up a new position every other week). So when that itch needs to be scratched, instead of getting dressed and going out to the bars or rather than getting on one of the apps wasting countless time — you just text your comfort dick. We’re not going to sit here and deny that 1) we’ve never slept with a “friend” and 2) friends with benefits has its upside. Instant gratification for starters. But you can also bypass all of the bullshit of having to get to know someone or sending a million and one pictures — and then there’s the whole chemistry thing. Fucking someone you know and are comfortable with can just help to avoid the headache and entertain that sexual urge and need.

But nothing in this life is perfect, so you know good and damn well this situation can get very complicated. And more than likely for the majority of us, it has. At some point, someone in one of the FWB situations is bound to catch feelings. They may start dating someone new and you no longer have access to that “comfort dick”, but instead of handling it like the no-strings-attached, friendly sort of mindset — your feelings are like nah bitch, we like him. So there’s that. And don’t even get me started on sleeping with a FWB and his partner! I’ve seen one too many times where the boyfriend has broken up with his partner because he’s discovered during that rendezvous that he actually has deep feelings for the third party that the two of you have brought into the bedroom. So while sex with friends can be absolutely great, and for some it’s a necessity — just keep in mind that this will always be an emotional gamble.

PLATONIC FRIENDS

Then there are those, who actually just want to be genuine, platonic friends. And that is absolutely normal. In fact, I think it needs to be way more common within the gay community. From what I’ve gathered, first people will gauge if there is sexual chemistry or not — and then from there, see if there is a potential to at least be friends. But we wouldn’t settle for dating so why do you have this settling mindset for friends? If that’s how you’re trying to collect genuine friendships, in the words of Whoopi Goldberg… “you in danger girl.” Whether you’re attracted to someone or not shouldn’t be the first indicator on whether you want them in your life in some sort of capacity. Some of my best friendships have come from people that I’m not attracted too, and that doesn’t mean they aren’t attractive — it just means the sparks weren’t flying, probably mutually. Knowing that there is no agenda or any convenience associated with your friendship is such a relief.

But furthermore you want someone that will be there for you in all aspects of your life, not solely sexual. But we’ve been so selfish, just talking about our perspective, what about them! Not every gay human is programmed the same way. Some of us love monogamous, one-on-one relationships and deeply value friend and family. You know, some of us were just fans of Queer as Folk and aren’t actually trying to emulate that. Take away from this, it never hurts to have a genuine friend with pure intentions in your corner and vice versa. Sex is amazing but it isn’t everything.

BOUNDARIES

Whether you realize it or not, every relationship you’re involved with should have some sort of boundaries! And yes, that includes friendships… and even friends with benefits. Boundaries help to establish a mutual respect between two people; likes and dislikes, comfort levels but also just a mutual understanding of one another. Platonic friendships can almost feel like a full on emotional relationship but that’s when you know it’s real, so respecting one’s another boundaries that you’ve set for each other (or expect), is very important. Friendship is a relationship, so it takes effort — on both ends. But you messy hoes out there (me included), that love to sleep with your friends — you’re not off the hook. You may think you’re playing it cool by just being about the sex and you don’t care what your comfort dick does in their personal life, but the minute they find some new booty or get into a serious relationship, you’re left feeling a certain way. You no longer have the same access to them and here you go tweeting some subliminal message on twitter.

FWB relationships have boundaries too! It should be communicated that if there is absolutely no intention to date, then it’s solely about good vibes when you see each and/or sex. So anything outside of that, you’re in the wrong. They get in a relationship? Too bad. They find a NSA hook-up that’s closer or maybe even better? You had no commitments, they didn’t owe you anything, too bad! And that goes both ways. So as long as you can be the adult that you claim to be, to handle such a loose relationship and the lack of commitment that a FWB scenario will surely bring you — you’re good. But if you can’t, I’m certain that you’ll lose on this gamble.