Poo Happens: What to Do When It Happens to You

By Eris Chase  

You knocked on Pooh’s door, and Pooh was home? The mushroom had a little dirt  under the cap? The milk was chocolate? It’s now “0” days since the last accident on  this site? We know, it’s awk af to even whisper about, but, all truth here, it happens.  More to the point, the more you traipse across the anal play scene, the more likely it is  that a little poo will happen to you. Here is our guide to handling it with a  sophisticated sense of humor, dashing grace, and a therapist’s level of minimal drama. 

It Happens… Truly.  

Yup, even the most meticulous bottoms and the most gentle tops, on a hopefully rare  occasion, will run into a little mess on the field. It is anal, after all. That channel has a  secondary job. As well as being a tunnel of carnal delights, it is where your solid waste  leaves the body. *Surprise Pikachu face.* I know, super shocking, right? It’s not the  end of the world if you run into a little, or if your body is still holding onto a little, even  after a good clean-out. What matters is how you react when it does!  

“I’m a Bottom Only. Can’t I Make Sure This NEVER Happens?”  

First, if you are a bottom only, you are nature’s greatest gift and should be treasured  and protected at all costs! Secondly, to answer the question: maybe yes, maybe no. If  you’re an experienced bottom, you probably already have your clean-out game  perfectly timed and sorted. You travel with a detachable shower head and pipe  wrench. You run a “Douching and Fiber 101” message board. A double-double and  fries haven’t passed your lips since Obama was in office, and you don’t even know  what sriracha sauce is. And… yup, it can still happen to you.  

If you’re new to the bottoming sphere and concerned about a misadventure,  investigate your prep. Diet, overdoing the amount of water, stress, tension in the  body, etc., can all contribute to a little matter making a showing.  

“I’m a Top Only. I Will Die If This Happens!”  

No, you will not. That mindset needs to be banished to the netherworld. Even  uttering, “I will die if I encounter poo” while you’re actively seeking to rail a bottom  through the floorboards deserves a not-so-gentle shake. Gurl, *you* are the trauma. 

Seriously. One of the biggest reasons people turn off to penetrative sex, especially  anal, is fear of an accident or past embarrassment from a bit of debris making an  appearance—and how their partner reacted to it.  

So, my grumpy little tops, you need to get yourself sorted and stop with the shame  game of “ewwww…. get the fuck out.” It’s outdated, unwarranted, and really, really  makes you a total dick.  

It Happened, Now What Do We Do?  

Stay calm and do not stress your partner out. Again, this is a minor deal that can and  will happen. A very simple “Oh sweetheart, we have a small situation… let me take  care of it, just relax and give me a sec.” So. Easy. Then, use a wipe or washcloth that  you have at the ready, tidy up, and get back in there, Tiger.  

If the cleanup is going to be more of a “stripping the bed” type situation, this is where  humor comes in. The bottom will almost certainly be mortified, the top will be shook.  As the top, throw out a “Well, that was unexpected… does this mean I hit your second  

hole? I’ve always wanted to achieve that.” Big giant smile and a reassuring hug to  anchor a sugary, lighthearted comment, letting them know not to be embarrassed,  will do wonders. Offer a shower together, and you’ll keep a bottom sane in this  moment.  

Whatever you do when poo drops by unannounced, under NO circumstances (unless  something truly feels wrong and sinister) should you throw your partner out, make  them deal with it alone, or make them feel self-conscious and dirty. And if a partner  does throw you out, makes you clean up alone, or makes you feel dirty… do not hook  up with them again. Period. Kindness makes all aspects of life better.  

Flowing with the Realness of It All  

This might be a tough point to hear, but there are many bottoms who, despite the  best of efforts, will never quite be able to get their tunnel of love spotless. Be it a  chronic condition or just an uncooperative bodily system, you may have to roll with  poo making an appearance more often than not. But no real worries here either.  Communicate that it may happen. You’ll usually find most people don’t hesitate as  long as they have a heads-up. And if you know this usually happens, there are MANY  kinds of sheet sets, pads, wipes, etc., to help make cleanup quick and easy.  

Last Little Love Note 

Poo happens, but it’s not the end of the world. With a bit of preparation, a lot of  humor, and a touch of grace, you can navigate any anal mishap with style. The  sweetest moments of life can come from the most unexpected situations. So get out  there, have fun, and send It!