The Dangers of Fucking Your Friend

Article by Maya Vukovska

They say the most successful romantic relationships thrive on long-time platonic friendships. I don’t know about that - I’m a person who likes to keep things simple. By keeping them separate. To be honest, I’ve broken my own rule once or twice, and the outcome was disastrous. Good friends are hard to come by, and you can consider yourself lucky if you have at least one in this world whom you can trust, and value, and love unconditionally. But when love turns into lust…Then you might be in trouble, my friend.

It is (almost?) never “just sex”

First of all, let’s make something clear - having sex with a true friend is not the same as having a sex buddy. When two preexisting friends fall in love and decide to start having sex, that’s a 1990s movie classic. Like Reality Bites. When two people hook up from time to time, but do not have a true friendship, that’s a 2010s rom-com. Like Friends With Benefits. Researchers at Arizona State University and Northern Illinois University have come up--not with two--but with seven types of “friends-with-benefits” combinations, which makes the term even more slippery. No matter how many acronyms and definitions we produce, though, one thing is for sure: Sex isn’t as simple as a game of checkers, and someone almost always gets hurt. And if you truly care for your best friend, you don’t want this to be him.

Navigating dangerous waters

When you are thinking of fucking a friend, and he is "straight"- well, this can be tricky (or impossible). The thing is, there will never be a happy ending to this story. Even if your bestie is open-minded, considerate, prone to experiment with his sexuality, and thinks it would be unfair of him not to give you a chance, I don’t see how this will go the way you want it, or imagine it. I mean, he could gladly agree to a blowjob (especially if alcohol is involved), and even to a fuck, but if one is not naturally drawn to men sexually, you can’t expect for your relationship to grow into a romantic one. Of course, loving someone is not necessarily a sexual thing. Even if he refuses to be intimate with you, it won’t mean he’ll love you less. But it's better that you do not put him in a position to choose between your friendship and an ephemeral relationship - because there’s always a chance that making a move on him will break the emotional bond you have created over the years. If you are ready to take that chance, go for it and admit your feelings to him. But don’t come crawling back to me just to hear me say, “Told you so.”

The if/if dilemma

In another scenario, your friend has also for some time been flirting with the idea of getting into bed with you. Will sex change everything? Should you tell your other buddies? Can you still be friends after you’ve seen each other’s private parts, and done sexual stuff with them? If you both enjoy the sex, your brains are going to release a powerful wave of hormones, and your bodies will take on a life of their own, causing you to no longer see your relationship as purely platonic. When the sex is great, and it hasn’t affected your usual behavior, that is the perfect arrangement. But the sex may not happen as you imagined it in your head - with fireworks and all... The realization that you are sexually incompatible can jeopardize your relationship. You may get turned off by a smell, a word, or an unexpected reaction, after which you won’t be able to see your friend in the same positive way again. Suddenly, it has become impossible to sit across from him at your favorite bar, nonchalantly sipping beers and harmlessly gossiping about common acquaintances, without having disturbing flashbacks about the sex mishap.

Two buddies just having fun?

We don’t have official stats, but a quick Google search draws up 1,230,000,000 results for “sex with best friend”! That means it’s more common than we might think. Realistically, if you’re close with someone for many years, and spend a lot of time together, chances are quite high that you end up in bed at some point. Especially if one of you, or both, hasn’t had sex for a while! Sleeping with your best friend, whether gay, straight, or bi, can be easy fun, but further down the line, this will change your relationship irrevocably. For better or worse.