Article by Maya Vukovska
Gone are the days when it was easy-peasy to define a relationship. Three dates, movies, a bottle of wine in a cozy Italian restaurant, and a good-night kiss were once enough to know you’re dating, and that what’s happening between you too is beautiful… and exclusive. Social research shows that the attitudes towards dating and sex of the millennials (born after the mid-1990s), and the zoomers have drastically changed compared to those of the previous generations. They approach matters of the heart from a much more pragmatic angle and are less likely to invest time, emotions, and energy in archetypical relationships. This, of course, doesn’t mean that they lack interest in romance and intimacy - it’s just they find new and more adequate to their lifestyle ways to fulfill their desires and needs. That’s the reason why more аnd more people choose to be in an open relationship.
If you happen to be one of them, but you’re still not very experienced in the art of polyamory, here are some hacks for a successful open relationship.
Ask questions and get sincere answers
If you opt for an open relationship with the intention to fuck around like a horny rabbit with zero guilty consciousness, let me tell you that it won’t work. Setting boundaries, both physical and emotional, to where you and your partner might go, is crucial. In order to draw a correct map according to which you’ll be navigating your relationship/s, you’ll need to first ask a few questions. If you are in a stable relationship, the questions should be something like, “Is it only me who wants this, or it’s both of us?”, “What is the reason that we want it? Is it because we crave more sex, because we are afraid to get bored of each other, or because we are already bored of each other?” Discussing the possible scenarios with your long-term partner will help you avoid misunderstanding, disappointment, jealousy, and anger issues.
In case you are single, and you want to date two or more people, you should probably consider letting them know about your intentions, and ask them if they want to meet each other. Again, for the reason mentioned above: to avoid mishaps of any nature in the future.
Choose your partners wisely
An open relationship shouldn’t mean open to just anyone - from the mailman to the boy who's selling you a bagel at the local bakery shop. Choosing outside partners is the area where couples most often fall into a trap. Agreeing on sleeping with common gay friends, single or not, often turns out to be the small pebble that makes the car flip over. The problem is that among friends and acquaintances, there will always be people one feels more or less uncomfortable with or threatened by. Plus, I can imagine how embarrassing it might feel to meet with husbands Josh and Dave for Sunday brunch, and during the casual conversation over coffee and Danish pastries, to find out that your man fucked Josh just last night. And it seems that everybody’s OK with this, but you!
In order to avoid such awkward situations, some gay couples opt for sleeping only with strangers. No intersecting points - no complications. On the flip side though, this is not always the best idea. For one thing, how can you trust a person you’ve just hooked up with at a bar? What if he is the next Jeff Dahmer…
Prepare yourself for some serious workload
Being in an open relationship can be hard work. I mean, one of your partners may be into kink, and the other one - into vanilla sex. Getting to lick two ice cream cones with different flavors may be any kid’s dream-come-true thing, but in sex, this can be quite a challenge. Of course, experiencing sexual diversity is great fun, but it also requires stamina and perseverance. When I was younger, and I tried to do multitasking with not much success, my mother would say, “You’re not the sun to shine on everything and everybody, you know.”
But if you’ve already decided you can handle juggling multiple partners, just remember what Winnie the Pooh once said, “Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.” Substitute "the smallest things" with the name of one special person, and you'll understand what the wise bear means.
