The Most Embarrassing Things That Can Happen During Sex

Article written by Maya Vukovska

Experiencing an embarrassing moment during sex is almost as inevitable as taxes and death. Whether it’s premature ejaculation onto his face or, even worse, his satin sheets, a fart, or nature calling at the wrong moment, it’s always a killjoy.

Here are 7 mishaps during sex, and how to fix them. Or at least try.

Losing your condom inside him

You are having a steamy session with a lover, and when you pull out, you find your dick unjacketed. What do you do? First, you tell your partner that the rubber got stuck in his rear door, and then use your fingers to find the edge and pull it out. If that doesn’t work, calm the guy down by telling him that probably he’ll pass it with his next excretion.

If you are the bottom, and a condom gets stuck in your ass, but neither of the above-mentioned methods has worked (even using a laxative!), don’t freak out. The condom doesn’t present an immediate and serious health risk, but you still need to have it removed. Go see a proctologist or gastroenterologist. The doctor will take a glimpse inside your bottom using a speculum or endoscope, and when they spot it, they’ll remove it. To prevent such an accident from happening in the future, make sure the condoms are the right size.

Having too much hair

And we don’t mean on your head. You may like to keep it bushy down there, and yes, some gays love a grizly guy. But there’s a great chance your new hookup makes a face while blowing you because a curly hair has stuck between his teeth. Unfortunately, there isn’t much to be done right away without ruining the moment. And his appetite!

Giving him a facial (without a warning)

He’s giving you head and at some point, you realize you’re about to cum and you can’t hold it. It happens so fast that you don’t have time to ask him where to point and finish all over his face. If he doesn’t seem happy about this unexpected outcome but doesn’t say anything, you still need to apologize. And offer him some tissues.

Whoopsy-poopsy

Shit happens. Literally. But you, being a sexually active gay man, must have realized that by now. Bottoms poop and it’s just biology. When it happens, it’s certainly not a nice view, but you cannot expect daisies to come out of your ass when having anal sex. Not always sex happens on a schedule, and on some occasions, it catches you unprepared. That is, you didn’t have the time to empty your bowels beforehand. What you can do to make the pooping situation less embarrassing is to stick to a little-to-no dairy, high-in-fibers diet. Eat also lots of veggies and lean proteins, like white-fleshed fish, tofu, white-meat poultry, etc., and you’ll be able to keep your ass as clean as a hound’s tooth.

Caught in the act

Some people, called expeditionists, love having sex in public places because the thrill of being caught excites them. But you are not such a guy! You imagine that if that someone walks on you while having sex you’ll be even more ashamed than that time in eighth grade when your mom found your gay porn magazine under your mattress. But unless a patrol officer interrupts you while having sex in a car parked near a children's playground, there’s nothing you can worry about. The intruder will most probably blush and say sorry before they leave, so you can resume the activity from where you’ve paused it.

Talking dirty

Believe it or not, talking dirty is a skill that not everyone can master. And besides, your lover may not like being called “Daddy’s slut” and his penis - “Lollipop” or “Meat stick”. If your partner gets offended by your sex language, open the vocabulary in your head and try to exculpate yourself by hitting him with the most flattering words you can come up with. If this doesn’t help, just apologize and kindly ask if you can at least finish before he leaves.

Dozing off

You’ve had too many drinks and you fall asleep while blowing your lover? That certainly won’t look good on your resume, but it’s a much more innocent gaffe than throwing up tequila shots and tacos on his lap.

Unfortunately, you can’t buy insurance against sex mishaps. What you can do, though, is not take them like it's the end of the world. When something embarrassing happens in bed, just give it a hearty laugh.