It’s time to abandon the Unicorn mentality. In today’s modern world of overabundant opportunities for sexual encounters, it can be tempting to continue searching ad infinitum for that special unicorn boy. Yet, he always seems to be just one swipe away. The thinking goes, there’s so many fish in the sea, so the odds are decent that eventually I’ll catch a real whopper, and until then I must resolutely wait. Here’s why this mentality is ultimately detrimental to you. Firstly, in all likelihood, your unicorn doesn’t actually exist. Nobody is perfect in every way, and those pretending otherwise are foolish. In your search for a mystical, magical unicorn, you’re destined instead to only find the self-proclaimed unicorns-guys who believe themselves to be flawless gems, and will likely convince you as well. Sooner or later, his real self will emerge, and that never works out well for the unicorn-chaser. If you spot a unicorn in the wild, you should be skeptical, not call National Geographic. Additionally, research has proven that folks are actually happier in relationships with people who are flawed, but still pretty good by the standards of their particular dating pool. Science says the best mates are not perfect, but charmingly imperfect. This is to say, you will literally be a happier person if you set your sights on someone who is just relatively qualified to be your boyfriend, especially compared to the schmucks you hang out with. Perfection is not actually what we want. Nobody jerks off to Michelangelo’s statue of David. We want hairy, slightly-curved cocks with a weird little vein--not a fig leaf over a geometrically perfect micropenis. Similarly, we don’t want to grow old with a genius-IQ-scholar-athlete-playwright-skydive-instructor. We want someone whose quirks match ours like two funky-fitting puzzle pieces. If you’re still not convinced to abandon the search for unicorns, then you must be a unicorn yourself. And if you believe that, then all I can say is, good luck. :)
October 03, 2018 — Andrew Christian