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Article written by Maya Vukovska

Your hand is the best sex toy there is. Мany men, gay and straight, would totally agree with that statement. But sometimes you want to give your faithful 5-finger accomplice a break, and substitute it with something equally effective. And that’s where sex toys step into the picture. If you’re hard up for cash, or just don’t want to spend money on an overpriced product which may not even work for you, you can easily make your own sex toys. All you need is household items and some handiness!

The good old melon fuck

When we are kids, our parents keep saying that veggies and fruits are our friends. You’re a grownup now, and if you are in an urgent need to cut the sexual tension and blow off some steam, the good old melon can literally be your best buddy. Chose a nice handsome cantaloupe and cut a hole in it - large and deep enough for your erect dick to comfortably fit into. From here on, it’s up to you... But we'll just say that the juicy inside of the melon feels like nothing else in this world. What comes as a bonus is that you can use the same melon more than once!

The cock-and-lube sandwich

For this one you’re going to need a plastic sandwich bag and some lube. Smear the lube onto the inside of the baggie, then heat it just a little bit (you can use a heating pad for that purpose). Put you penis in the baggie and nicely rub its content across your cock head. The ejaculation will be explosive!

The pro: Since you cum inside the bag, there’s no need to clean after yourself. You just zip it up and throw it away.
The con: The dearly treasured childhood memory of your mother putting a peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwich for school in a plastic bag may be tarnished forever. 


Remember the time when celebs like Jay Z, Lady Gaga and David Beckham would wear large bulbous jewelry for... fashion reasons, and then the rest of us followed the trend? If you still keep your old rosary for $19.95, it may come in handy again, only this time not as a fashion statement, but as an anal sex toy. If you are a dedicated Catholic and you have a problem using the rosary for pleasuring the body and not the soul, you can always remove the cross, thus rendering it a non-sacred instrument fit for anal and prostate stimulation - beads on a string. Do not forget to lubricate the rosary before you use!

A zucchini can suck, too

But not in a bad way - like in an overcooked ratatouille! Let us explain how a zucchini can give you an excellent oral. Get a big one and put it in the microwave for no more than two minutes, so that its inside softens. Then, empty it with a spoon, and try not to rupture the skin. AFTER IT’S COOLED ENOUGH, try it onto your penis to see if it fits. Although the zucchini has natural moisture, you’d better apply generously some water-based lube. Now, here’s the trick - when you start pumping, squeeze and release, squeeze and release the veggie. If you do it right, this will create the sucking sensation as the air inside cannot be released...

East or West, homemade penis pump is the best!

It’s getting a bit complicated with this one, but we can assure you that it’s worth the effort. First, clean a plastic bottle with sanitizer and cut off the base of the bottom. Place the vacuum cleaner’s hose at the bottle’s top, making sure it perfectly fits the cap. Use tape to completely cover the bottle’s base line. Step four is the most important one, because you need to create vacuum that’s going to act as a pump. In case the tube is too large for the bottle, use more tape to close the gap. You’ll probably have to test if your creation is working first before you put your penis in it. You do it by putting the end of the hose in your mouth and suck it. If you’ve done everything right, vacuum will be created inside the bottle, and you’ll be ready to go! Or actually, maybe this is a bad idea... 

This article is for comedic purposes only and is not actual sex advice. Exercise extreme caution if you choose to insert anything inside your body.

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