Whilst in the throes of passion, the male human animal is capable of producing a wide variety of noises. The intense pleasure of sex can inspire sounds ranging from meek whimpers to elephantine trumpeting. Ultimately, there are five major taxonomic categories for moaners, and they break down like this:

1. The screamer

The screamer is the type of guy who seems to either be in agonizing pain or is having the best night of his life. He is NOT afraid to wake up your roommates. His screams have the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns, but like… is he okay??

2. The fake moaner

Conversely, we have the fake moaner. He’s not fooling anyone with his pseudo-thespian blubbering. Granted, sometimes it takes a little fake moaning to get the real moaning started, but there comes a point where you’re just not fooling anyone anymore, Jason. What must you hurt me, so?

3. The dirty talker

Most men are reduced to prehistoric, guttural grunts during sex, but there also exists a special breed of men who miraciously are capable of speaking in full, complete sentences during sex. This can come as a shock if you aren’t prepared for the small talk. For instance, a question like “Do you like taking my big fat juicy cock?” can you leave you dumbfounded if you’re prepared. When dealing with a dirty talker, prepare your responses in advance.

4. The character actor

Similar to the dirty talker, there is another type of moaner that we call the character actor. He shares that passion for meaningful exchange of words during sex, but for some reason, as soon as the sexy time begins, the character actor snaps into playing some role and never breaks character. I once had sex with a Midwestern doctor who started talking like the Crocodile Hunter as soon as I put his dick in my mouth. Absolutely mad, these guys.

5. Silent but deadly

Finally, we have the silent but deadly type. These guys are all business and don’t have any time for small talk. They won’t go out of their way to fake little moans for anyone’s sake. They focus on the task at hand and don’t let themselves get carried away. Now, if you can get a silent but deadly guy to moan, now that is quite an accomplishment.
Ultimately, everyone moans a little differently. Which type of moaner are you? I guess there’s only one way to find out… ;)
April 23, 2019 — Andrew Christian
Tags: Listicles