"Are You Gay?" - How To Handle the Situation...Delicately

Article written by Maya Vukovska

In your community, you are seen as that right-in-the-head person who’s never been intimidated by the voices of disapproval and who’s always stood tall as a proud gay man. No wonder closeted gays constantly come knocking on your door (which can be also the metaphorical door of your Facebook profile), asking for advice on how to deal with their insecurities, fears, and doubts about their own sexuality. What to say to a young man who confides to you that he used to wear a sequined hand band as a bra when he was 10 and that now, at the age of 19, he's feeling a weird attraction to a fellow college boy? Not everyone is equipped with the knowledge, experience, and skills to deal with the secrets and tribulations of other people. But if you find yourself in the position of someone’s confidant, here are some tips on how to delicately handle the situation.

It’s not about you

Yes, you’ve been there, and you know it’s hard. Your personal coming-out experience is valuable, but you shouldn’t sell it as a landmark story that applies to ALL gay men. Your confidante did not grow up in your household, he didn’t have your friends, and despite the many similarities you’re seeing, his life is not your life. Once you realize the path he’s walking is different than yours, you’ll be able to see the whole picture from a fair distance, and offer the best (unbiased!) advice.

Listen first... and then unleash your tongue

As you probably know from personal experience, friends’ stories, or the movies, a big part of a shrink’s job is to attentively listen to their patients. Leaving someone to talk about what’s eating them is the key to successful therapy. Avoid drowning your confidante in questions. After all, figuring out one’s sexuality is not a perfunctory personality quiz on page 12 of the Sunday paper! Once he’s done talking, ask him if spewing out what’s been bothering him made him feel better. If he says yes, then you can step in with words of wisdom and advice.

Do not choose a direction for him

Only because you are a proud member of the gay community doesn’t mean that everyone who questions their straightness is gay, too. As I’ve said many times before, sex and gender are not binary as we used to think before. Sexuality IS a spectrum. If your friend is stressed because of his concerns that he might actually be gay, tell him to be open-minded by trying to expand his own concepts of gayness and straightness. Pushing him into either direction is erroneous and far from clever. Instead, encourage him to explore further, keep his options open and see where his cravings will lead him to.

Do not offer to be his guinea pig

Making a move on your dazed and confused friend is so wrong on so many levels. Of course, there’s always a great chance that he has come to you because he has presumed you’ll be up for some experimentation. And that’s OK. What’s not OK (and definitely not ethical!), though, is taking advantage of a vulnerable person by shoving your hand inside his pants to prove your theory right. Asking for help does not necessarily mean asking for a fuck. No matter if experimental, or not!

A person is much more than their sexuality. Yes, it’s a part of who they are, but it does not define them. With that in mind, you now must be ready to offer the best advice to a male friend who’s struggling with his sexuality. But in case you’re short of words, you just hug him and tell him he’s gonna be fine - gay, straight, or anything in between…