Article written by Sam Machado

Here's how it goes. You go on a date with a cute, fun, nice guy. You share some laughs, talk about things you like and maybe end the date with a goodnight kiss. Or, maybe one of you stays the night at the other's house and things get REALLY fun. In your mind, things went really well and this could actually go somewhere. So you text him after a couple days with some small talk and say, “I would love to hang out again sometime.” He responds with “Yeah, that'd be great.” A little more time goes by and you ask him how he's been and it's just...silence. You've been ghosted. And it sucks.

If someone ghosts you and you're wondering why, the answer is simple- he's just not that into you. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong or that there's something wrong with you...or that there's something wrong with him. It just means the connection wasn't there the way you thought it was.

But here's the thing. Have you ever been guilty of ghosting someone else? Have you been the one to casually let someone continue pursuing you only to just ignore them? What if you're the one who didn't feel the connection, but he clearly did?

First thing's first- you are not a bad person for not having the same feelings for someone else. Despite what anyone tells you, feelings do not have to be mutual. This guy might see you as a jerk for not wanting to date him, but that's not what makes a jerk. If you told him that you hope his dog dies or that his mom is ugly, then THAT would make you a jerk. But lack of mutual feelings? No way.

So here's the question- should you just be honest and tell him you didn't feel it? Or, just hope he gets the hint?

Why Maybe You Should Ghost

The reason why anyone ghosts is because we don't want to hurt peoples' feelings nor have an awkward conversation. It can also be hard to put the words together of “I'm not interested” and it requires strength to do so. And since you don't really know this person you went on a date with, the energy to put together a brief speech about why you don't want to keep dating can cause a lot of discomfort. To go your own way by saying nothing can disappoint and hurt him. But you're both just people, nothing is perfect and maybe he (and you) should realize that no response is sometimes better than having the uncomfortable conversation. Regardless, the answer is still the same whether the words are in front of him or not.

Why Maybe You Shouldn't Ghost

Ghosting can be the easy choice, but it can also be the lazier choice. Dating is fun, but it also comes with hardships. And we can only learn about the harsh realities of life through communication even if it is an ending conversation. Rather than leaving your former date lurking around for you, coming clean can help both of you move forward. Try something simple like, “I had a good time with you and you're a really nice guy, but I just don't have the feelings to continue pursuing this. But I am very thankful that we met and I hope all is well.” Just know that there is never a way to end things with someone without hurting their feelings. No matter how generous or mature you come off, he will be disappointed and you just have to accept that.

So Should You Ghost or Not?

For the most part, it really doesn't matter if you ghost. The end result is still the same- he (or you) is just not feeling a connection. So whether you try to talk to him or he doesn't try to talk to you, both of you will go your separate ways no matter what. In some situations, it might be more appropriate to say something, but in others, it could be better to just let things be. If you're the ghoster or the ghostee, just remember there are no bad guys here. Finding a solid connection is difficult and there's no rule that says it must continue happening just because the two of you had a good time together. You can remember your time together as just that and then move forward on this crazy ride that we call dating. Just remember that what goes around comes around, so if you ghost guys, expect to be ghosted in the future.

August 01, 2019 — Andrew Christian