Article written by Kendra Beltran

Getting a dog isn’t just something one does because they want motivation to go outside during a global pandemic and get some vitamin D, it’s also a choice that is rooted deep into who one is. The pets we choose can not only showcase to those around us is we’re natural caregivers or perhaps how tidy we like things, but can also highlight just how good a boyfriend a guy can be. Well, I guess caregiving and being clean are part of that, but still. Go through this list and keep it handy for when you meet someone new and learn they have a pet. This will help you know if the conversation should continue, if you should fuck and run, or if you should just delete him DM now.

Exotic

It’s like, have you even seen the documentary about the “zoo” owner who had a ton of tigers and called himself royalty? Exactly, anyone who is willing to have an exotic animal as a pet is probably out of their mind. So that’s a huge red flag into getting into a serious relationship with someone who thinks it’s completely normal to have say, a wolf roaming around with a collar like it’s Lassie.

Reptile

While those who have a fondness for creatures covered in scales seem as weird as the tiger owners of the world, they’re not. However, those willing to have an animal in their home that could choke you out in the middle of the night shows people with reptile pets have a taste of adventure, so getting into a relationship with a reptile owner, you have to be careful they adrenaline they chase isn’t a variety of dicks.

Bird

A good majority of bird owners seem to be older people. At least that’s what classic cartoons have showcased. Nevertheless, a bird owner always has an old soul and is committed to whatever they invest in because when it comes to some birds, those bitches can live 50-95 years. So if you find yourself a bird man, you know he’s not going anywhere.

Fish

This water-based pet has two tales to tell. One being the low-key fish setup; a bowl, a couple of fish, no need for all that fancy equipment. The other, those lavish fish tanks that cost more than a semester in college. The first shows a guy who likes a relationship that isn’t complicated. One where if there is an issue, it’s as easy to work out as it is to clean a tiny fishbowl. The other? The other shines a light on someone who likes to put his life on display, including his relationship. That could mean they’re anything from an arrogant influencer to just your average douchebag. AKA, not great boyfriend material.

Cat

Cats are one of the only pets that are kind of just there. They can be left alone for an extended period of time with a timed water/food bowl, and a box that cleans itself and be fine. Cats are for people that have a lot on their plate. They have an intense job, a tight schedule, and an active social life but at the end of the day, they appreciate coming home to a familiar face. So those who don’t mind dating someone that packs a lot into 24 hours, feel free to date a cat person.

Dog

Dating a dog owner is basically like dating the person you’re going to marry. Dogs are the most loyal pet on the list based on well, my dog of course. When you date a dog owner, you see them at their most vulnerable when caring for their animal, or if they’re a jerk towards the pup - you know to run as far away as possible because anyone mean to a dog can’t be good boyfriend material.

March 17, 2021 — Andrew Christian