Dear Agatha,
My boyfriend, James, and I have been dating for almost a year, and I’ve never been happier. He feels like the guy I’ve always been waiting for, and I love him.
James and I have incredible sex, and we’ve always been open to trying new things to spice things up (visiting dark rooms together, switching positions, using toys...you get the idea). However, I’ve never had a completely monogamous relationship before, and he only ever has had them. He’s the only guy I’ve been sexual with in any capacity since we met, and it’s been fine!
The problem is….James and I share a mutual friend that we have both admitted to crushing on. I’ve fantasized about what it would be like to fuck him, and James has given hints that he has, too. In past relationships, I’ve occasionally had threesomes with guys my boyfriend and I found hot. This feels like a great opportunity for James and me to try something new, but I know he’s never done that before.
How do I pop that question to James without making it seem like I want to see other people?
Thanks for your help,
Brett
Dear Brett,
I want to say how happy I am that you and James have found something extraordinary together! I think it’s great you two find ways to keep the sex spicy!
But you’re right; this situation could send the wrong message if not appropriately handled. Here’s what I think…
First, you must make it abundantly clear to James that you are not looking to open up your relationship if that’s not what you intend to do. I know plenty of couples who are mostly monogamous but occasionally bring in another guy just for the night. Ensure that James knows this is only because you both find him attractive. It could just be another way for the two of you to explore your sexuality together. Who knows? It could bring you closer together!
Aside from that, however, you must have one with yourself before conversing with James. Ask yourself (and be honest with your answer): What are you genuinely hoping to accomplish by engaging in this threesome? Is there an itch you feel needs to be scratched? Do you feel like something is missing from your relationship, and this is your attempt to fill that gap? Do you want to do this just once, or is this going to become something you’re going to want to do regularly? Is a monogamous relationship really your thing?
Being honest with yourself about your intentions allows you to be more open and honest with James, and that’s what he deserves. Be sure to know precisely what you want before starting this conversation.
Wishing you the best and sending lots of love!
XOXO,
Agatha
