5 Best Dog Whistles to Show You’re Gay Without Alerting the Straights
You’ve been in this situation before: You’re deep behind enemy lines in heterosexual territory. You need to send out some kind of flare or signal to indicate your hidden sexual orientation to any other guerrilla gays who may be hiding in the mist. Luck for you, we've got six tried-and-true dog whistles that will cause all gay ears to perk up and go completely unnoticed by the straights.
1. Demonstrate your lack of gag reflex by casually deepthroating objects
This tactic is an old standby. Works best at dinners, brunchs, and other social occasions involving phallic objects. Simply take the banana (or analogous item) and ram it down your throat deep beyond any reasonable margin. To straight men, this act will appear totally innocent, but any gay within a 500 ft radius will surely detect your encoded message.
2. Constantly use words like “top”, “bottom” and “bulge” in conversation
Subliminally indicate your intentions but letting these terms Freudianly slip from your mouth at high frequencies. This works especially well at business meetings or group Skype calls. Try this line for example, “As you can see by this graph, sales had a massive bulge in June, before bottoming out in July..." etc.
3. Publicly ask a female friend if she can give you a massage and then loudly complain that she doesn’t do it right so you ask your hot guy friend to take over instead
This is kind of a specific one, but yields excellent results when used properly. If you really make a scene with your revulsion and physical rebuffing of the woman, astute gays will have no choice but to deduce your homosexuality.
4. Ask if anyone in the room likes sucking dick and then pretend you were just joking
This is one of my favorite methods of dog whistling to other gays without alerting anyone else in the slightest. Wait for a lull in the conversation and then loudly and confidently ask "Who here likes sucking big dick?" To straight men, this puzzling query will have no resonance. Gays will know what you’re talking about.
5. Crush the dancefloor with your meticulously choreographed voguing routine to Ru Paul’s Sissy That Walk
If all else fails, just bust out your meticulously choreographed routine to Ru Paul’s Sissy That Walk. Straight men may be impressed by seemingly innocuous party trick, but any gays present will indubitably begin to suspect something.
These five tried-and-true tactics are guaranteed to work for you too! And once you’ve successfully dog-whistled your gayness, that’s when the fun really starts. Just remember that one day, you may want to stop dog whistling and just be out and proud. :)