5 Secret Moves to Do in Bed That Will Blow His Mind

Article written by Florante Stone

The following is satire.

I spent the summer of '98 apprenticing under world-renowned tantric guru Master Maharesh Sakthisunder in his Sacred Palace of Homoeroticism in Tamil Nadu, India. Whilst studying there, I learned to give and receive orgasms so powerful that they could easily stop the heart of a man who has not undergone the proper training. By sharing what I’ve learned, I am violating my sworn vow to secrecy. These moves were kept secret for a reason. They’re powerful. But I believe the world is now ready to know these five secret moves to do in bed that will blow his mind. All five, transcribed verbatim directly from the diary of Master Maharesh himself.

1. The Cyclone Tongue Tornado

This move begins as a normal blowjob. Then suddenly--you begin revolving your tongue around the head of penis around to the frenulum. Ideally,the tongue will reach a terminal rotation speed of 240 RPM.

2. The Thigh-gasm

This advanced yogic position requires his erect penis to be placed between your thighs. Back up against him so his cock is snugly nestled. The tip of his penis should now be sticking out beneath yours. Assume Level 3 Downward Doggy-style Position. Bend over and begin sucking the head of his penis as you gyrate your thighs.

3. The 12-Hour Slowjob

This sex act must begin the moment he wakes up. He must begin his day with his cock your mouth. And then, his cock must stay in your mouth for an entire 12-hour period. You two are attached, cock to mouth, for that entire time. Set a countdown timer for the last five minutes and bring him to orgasm right as it reaches zero.

4. Cock Bouquet (In Bloom)

This move requires a group of men, four or more. All men strip naked and place their erect cocks pressed together, like an upright bundle of flowers. Cascade the bundle of cocks up and down, until all bloom at the same time.

5. Ouroboros

Ouroboros, the snake eating its own tail. To complete this move, you must curl up and suck your own cock. Suck it so hard that your corporeal being ceases to exist and you become pure orgasm itself. And perfect closed system of pleasure, having transcended our universe.

So there are the secret moves that I risked my life to share with you. I DO NOT recommend you try any of these yourself, but I thought the world deserved to know. Namaste.