Halloween Horoscope: The Costume Most Likely to Get You Laid

Article written by Kendra Beltran

Aquarius: Get Punny With It
You’re the type of person who doesn’t like to do something that everyone is going to get. You want people to have to either think about your costume, meaning you live for a great pun or you want to go as someone intelligent. With all that being said, you’re going to feel your best in something that relies heavily on a pun. That way, it can spark a conversation and your impeccable listening skills will lead the certain someone at the party to not only talk to you but to want to fuck you by the time the clock strikes midnight.

Pisces: Go Artsy
You shine best when you’re being creative whether it’s painting, singing, or even busting out a sculpture. So of course, you’re going to be the belle of any ball you attend when you embrace that love of the arts in your costume. We’re thinking something Gaga-inspired, or a sexy take on the one and only, Bob Ross.

Aries: Wrestling Superstar
Every time your job needs a leader, you’re there. Especially if it involves a physical challenge. Put those two together and you get a wrestler. With this, you can choose a myriad of ways to go but we suggest something that highlights the nether regions with nice, shiny bright bikini brief bottoms and a pair of hot knee-high boots.

Taurus: Fabulous Fabio
When you’re a romantic at heart, you have to go with a classic romance cover, right? So find yourself a long, blonde wig, rip your shirt open, and the flock of potential partners will come in hopes of being your one and only at the end of the night.

Gemini: Get Curious
Let’s be real, you’d rather be reading a book than at a Halloween party but you’re a curious person and are willing to check out one soiree. All that being said, you’ll be too cute to ignore going as Curious George.

Cancer: General Imagination
Imagination is your bread and butter, but you’re not too keen on revealing too much about yourself via your costume. So like an Aquarius, you’re going to want to go with something that can spark a conversation but you’ll want to do something that highlights your sense of humor too. May we suggest a Po-boy sandwich? Po the Teletubby as a classic New Orleans dish?

Leo: Glamorous
People as elaborate as yourself with expensive taste, honey - there is only one way to go and that way is Cher.

Virgo: Party City Bitch
Practical people like yourself don’t have time to plot and plan a costume for months. You’re too busy for all of that. So you’ll fare just fine in something off the rack from Party City because you know how to do all the talking that needs to be talked to get on someone’s good, sexual side.

Libra: Peace & Love
A nature lover like yourself will jump at any opportunity to be as natural as possible, so a free-spirited hippy in barely anything? Yeah, you’re going to have more than a few fuck-options on Halloween.

Scorpio: Strongman
Unlike the wrestling superstar we mentioned before, your ass isn’t about the flash. You’re more about an understated body. This means you’d be able to slay in one of those old-timey, strongman bodysuits. Um, if you take this suggestion, our DMs are open.

Sagittarius: Comical
Your sense of humor will always be your best asset, other than well, your ass. Because of that, going as an over-the-top standup comedian from the ‘80s will get you more attention than you’ll know what to do with.

Capricorn: Traditional
You aren’t the type to stray too far from the expected. Ghost, goblin, witch. Anything that immediately comes to mind when you think of Halloween will be what you feel best in, and when you feel your best - you fuck your best.