Those of you not playing it safe at home right now know all too well that the sex drought is real. No longer can we match on our favorite dating apps, order a ride, and get our fuck on. It just is not safe. Also, who wants to fuck with a face-covering like you’re part of some weird-ass sex party insanely rich people in movies always have? Exactly. So for now, it is jerking off and waiting for the day we are all finally able to get back to a new normal. However, if you want to fuck around right now and make the following quarantine mistakes, you’ll be sexless long after the world opens back up.
Cutting Your Own Hair
With hairstylists not deemed essential during COVID-19, we are all rocking our Tarzan best right now and that’s fine. Live that man bun life because it’s better than the alternative. I mean, if you have not studied the art of hair, do not - I repeat do not - go near your hair with clippers. It is not going to look, cute honey. You are going to wind up looking like a toddler who just discovered scissors. Yeah, it may grow out by the time this is all over but what if you cut your own hair, it looks like a hot mess, and the next day there’s a vaccine and the world is right again? You are not going to be getting any dick looking like you have taken a weed whacker to the head.
Baking Too Much Bread & Not Working Out
Like Oprah, I. Love. Bread. We all do and right now we are all using this time to become master bakers but honey, carbs do not always sit well with the human body. Especially if all you’re doing is baking and not getting your sweat on. I get it. It is hard to be motivated to work out when you are not able to go to the gym, but alas - you have got to shake that off and come up with an at-home workout routine so that you can enjoy all that bread. Unless you want to turn into a sexy ass bear than girl, eat those carbs (and send us some of that delicious bread because again we. Love. Bread).
Lacking Personality
Sending dick pics right now can only take you so far because you can’t really seal the deal. So many are having to rely on their actual personality and conversational skills to keep whatever matches they are getting at the moment interested. Those making the mistake of relying on just their looks are going to get a reality check when this is over and no one they have been DMing wants to meet up. Right now is the best time to really get to know people and make legit connections. Don’t fall into the same tired fuck boy routine right now.
Going Out Now
Umm, have you not gotten the memo about being safer at home? Oh, you have? Then why are some of you still going out and about, chilling with friends you do not live with, and acting crazy? If I match with a guy and then do my obvious Instastalking and see that you were with people I know (because I’ve cruised your socials one too many times) you do not live with, then I know you are not the brightest part of the rainbow, and I definitely don’t want to fuck someone who couldn’t abide by a simple order to keep people safe by staying at home.
