Why Are These 12 Things Considered “Totally Gay”?

Article written by Maya Vukovska

'Tell me what you eat, how you dress, and what shows you watch and I’ll tell you whether you’re gay or not.' Although this mantra has already lost its sustainability over the years, some people still believe it is actually true. Unfortunately, toxic masculinity still imposes insane criteria on what behavioral features indicate gayness and which straightness. Here is our improvised list of 12 ridiculous things that some straight alpha males consider “gay.” But wouldn’t mind doing them… in secret, of course.

Doing yoga

Only doing exercises that build up explosive power and the ability to move heavy things can guarantee one’s not a wuss.

Drinking water with a twist of lemon

If it is just plain tap water, we can live with that. But what makes the situation “womanly” is when the lemon is added to some fancy, bottled water from the village of Vatnestrøm in Norway!

Ordering cocktails in a bar

Excuse me, are you Carrie Bradshaw?! Straight guys drink beer right from the bottle. Only James Bond is allowed to have the vodka martini - “shaken not stirred.”

Helping oneself to sweet treats

Cookies with cream frosting, caramel macarons, and confetti sprinkle cupcakes are for baby showers and ladies’ book club groups. The only time a manly man must be seen putting a sugary thing in his mouth is when sharing a piece of the wedding cake with his new bride.

Eating brunch

Fancy desserts and lollypops may be scary, but brunches are the real threat to one’s heterosexuality.

Dancing like Beyoncé

Straight guys dance either like Travolta or do not dance AT ALL. Period.

Lasting too long in bed

When horny, straight guys don’t fool around and don’t bother with foreplay. They just bang-bang you, cum in 50 seconds, and are ready to take off. If they last suspiciously long, that is a sign that they’re probably gay.

Talking about feelings with your partner

Yes, straight guys have feelings, too, it’s a fact. But talking about them with a partner feels as awkward as talking about the five basic methods for catching fish.

Using facial products

If it wasn’t for the cohort of the cunning metrosexuals, the cosmetic brands wouldn’t have come up with lines of products designed “exclusively for men.” It’s easy for dudes like David Beckham to go around looking gorgeous, but for the rest of the heterosexual guys, moisturizers and body lotions are just “the gay devil in disguise.”

Being too eco-friendly

The whole ozone layer can disappear along with all the fairies who are overzealous to separately recycle even the seeds from the apples.

Using a bidet

Is this the same as anal douching?!

The Monolith

We left the best part for last. Do you remember the 10-foot-tall monolith that appeared last year out of nowhere on California’s Central Coast? Only a day after photos were posted on social media, the mysterious structure vanished. But it wasn’t aliens who had come back to collect it. A group of young men drove five hours to rip it out because they believed the obelisk was “gay.”

You can never underestimate the stupidity of general public.